shaking hands

Why do people always say "i will run you a HOT bath"? Is it just to let you know it wont be cold? "Of course your gonna run me a hot one! What the hell am i meant to do with a bath full of cold water? Quench my pet horses thirst?"A bathtub full of cold water is good for one thing: emptying, and then filling with hot.  -end rant

So today i had an awsome plan that who ever was going to ask me what i did to my neck, i was going to make up a lie every time.  And then i was going to talk about my lies on my blog.

But of course, just my luck, today was the absolute first day since i got my neck brace that not a single person asked me what happened. Not one. Not even that goofy looking jb hi fi employee who looked as though his mother was also his sister.

So that idea is GONE! I guess it serves me right. Planning to lie. But next time it will happen......

I did however encounter a woman today who; as i was passing decided that i must have been special and proceeded to turn her head and stare me up and down like i was a cyborg from the future. I looked her in the face and kindly asked her what the fuck she was looking at. I don't think she understood my strange cyborg language though.......

I was luckily enough today to have lunch with a few friends today at some sushi joint. This is when my mate Mitch brought up the topic of shaking hands......

Not a strange topic really but it did get me thinking. Since i have become neck-brace-afied, the common  way to greet a fellow human, usually of the male variety, has changed. It seems as though a neck brace warrants and excuse for a piss weak handshake worthy of a fragile old man.

Shaking my hand with a firm grip will not re-break my neck or inure me further people... In fact i don't even think the hand is connected to the neck. (might wanna check my anatomy there) Or maybe people are worried if they squeeze my hand too tight i will fall over and start having a fit....i wont.

Truth be told, if you squeeze the shit out of my hand. I will be impressed. So do it. I am not a delicate flower than must be handled with care. Well at least i don't think i am.

Or maybe i am completely wrong about it, because the biggest soft-cock of a hand shake i have received so far was from my doctor. Felt like he was just offering his hand for me to squeeze so to see if i was alive.... I know toddlers who have a firmer grip than he. Well i don't really know  any toddlers, but if i did! Then i am sure they would.

             Don't shake this because its a left hand. Always shake with the right.

Don't shake this hand because.....well it has 6 damn fingers. In fact, run away if you ever see this hand, cause this person will probably try and eat your head.

Mitch mentioned another thing. There are a few types of terrible hand shakes, from a few types of people. And he was so right, so here they are in my eyes (and Mitch) :

THE RECLUSE GUY:

This individual lacks the social skills and the muscular strength to engage in a proper handshake. Their hands are most likely weak from countless hours playing xbox and surfing the internet for cartoon porn. As their long bony fingers meet your hands you will find they are most likely freezing cold. Not unlike that of a teenage vampire. Also similar to a teenage vampire is the rarity of this opportunity. This dude has probably done between 5-20 hand shakes in his entire life.....But don't worry, internet friends don't require physical contact. So the chances of these hand shakes are slim to none.

THE STRAIGHT UP WEIRD GUY:

I don't wanna generalize and say this guy will have a creepy pedo smile on his face when you shake his hand......................BUUUUUUUT he will more than likely have a creepy pedo smile on his face when you shake his hand.  These guys like to look a little too long into your eyes, so don't hover. Or smile back. These hand shakes are best dealt with nice and quick. His hand will be soft and uncomfortably warm for some reason. Do not shake for too long. There will be little to no resistance from his sweaty palms, and the harder you squeeze, the probability of him enjoying it more will rise. Not too dissimilar to  holding a warm fish (yeah i don't it either). I suggest not passing out drunk anywhere near this bloke.

THE "I AM TOO COOL FOR YOU GUY" GUY:

This douche bag most likely sends out invites on facebook to promote club events. Or just has something in general to do with going out to the city. Throw some super hip tattoos and some super trendy clothes, and you have one cool guy ready to give you one terrible handshake. 

Because these guys are too cool and too busy, and most likely on their i-phones writing a text message, a person in the vicinity will have to do a introduction. And if you have to be introduced, then your already not cool enough. Cause this cool guy already knows the people worth knowing. He will most likely glance up from his iphone and throw out a quick hand (may be right OR left). At which point you will take it, and proceed to give his limp free hand one almighty fucking squeeze. Hopefully he has some trendy rings on that really dig in and cause him to pay attention to something other than himself for once. 

Squeeze away and hopefully he will wake up to him self, and realize that shaking hands like a girl is not the male way.But then again, he probably wont cause he does moisturize those puppies, and the girls are super jealous. And don't kid yourselves, we all know somebody like this.

FINE SPECIMEN HAND. VERY SUITABLE TO SHAKE. ALSO HAPPENS TO BELONG TO ME. 

HAHA so i have been enough of a dick tonight. I bid you all farewell. And by the way, my only daytime free mate is leaving tomorrow, so i am fucked. I think i will start a stamp collection or watch grass grow. Any ideas?

LATERS

-Scotty