"There are four basic human needs; food, sleep, sex and revenge" - Banksy
I have not written a blog for a few days now. Why? Because I have been getting drunk and hanging out, obviously
I would like to start by saying : fuck you
Now we have that out of the way we may begin. The message of "fuck you" was directed at any people for which that may be relevant at this point of time. So I have had a few days off and I got little to nothing accomplished.
Neck brace removal date is within sight finally...... I am banking on the 9th of July at 2:30PM, please don't let me down Daniel Tosh.....(my god, by the way)
PLEASE DONT LET ME LOOK LIKE THIS AFTER MY BRACE COMES OFF.....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
So as I was sitting on my front lawn and watching grass grow the other day, the postman delivered the mail, and I was pleasantly surprised to find a love letter from centrelink in there. My surprise turned to shock when I read the letter within. The letter said many things but the way I saw it was this:
"Dear Scott Hermann; you dole-bludging mother fucker
We (the Australian government) are a bunch of fuckwits and choose to live by our motto:'We are very very quick to take money out of your pockets for ANY reason and infact, we love it. However we are gonna make it so god damn hard for you to get anything back off us. Some people may liken it to drawing blood from stone.'
And because we are a useless bunch of money hungry fucks; we have decided that your probably fine to work now and we shall no longer pay you that 'sickness allowance' you have been receiving.
Don't care how you are, but according to our records; your probably fine.
Goodbye we hope that we never meet again.
Yours sincerely
CENTRELINK"
So I put my best clothes on (just joking) and headed off to centrelink to yell at somebody...
I was so angry I asked my mum to come with me because I actually feared I was going to hold Chatswood centrelink hostage while I demanded answers from small asian ladies wearing cardigans. In my mind I could picture myself jumping from desk to desk, kicking over stacks of paper and computers while I waved around a large shotgun. Of course this was just my awsome imagination running away!
Turns out It was a small mistake on the doctors form about dates, so after lining up for an hour i had to go to Chatswood medical centre to get a new medical certificate. Into another waiting room.....
Now by this stage I was seriously pissed off, I don't like waiting for things. I especially don't like it if it's waiting for something due to somebody else's mistake. So by the time I arrived at the medical centre I was not in a good mood.
As I sat down in the waiting room I suddenly became aware of all the sick people around me, and tried to breathe very lightly so I didn't catch anything. Luckily I was not too close to anybody........
And then of course within 2 minutes of sitting down an asian couple with their child come and sit directly in front of me. "This is fine" I thought to myself. "At least they aren't facing me!!". Just a quick note to parents: When you go out in public places with your little bastard children, please make sure you keep them under control. And teach them some manners. And teach them to wipe noses.
As I sit there, the little asian boy stands up in his chair and faces me. He has dried snot around his mouth and nose and his beady little eyes were darting around the room (i think). And of course he spots me and begins the process of staring at my neck brace and I.
So he keeps on staring at me and I stare him straight back in his dopey looking face. Then what happens next is fucking horrendous. This little kid starts to cough directly on me, doesn't even attempt to cover his mouth. This gross old man sounding cough too, I could literally feel the germs covering my face. He aimed his grubby mouth towards me and coughed away, whilst he continued to stare at me.
"Oh for fucks sake" As I sat there brewing anger like a kettle, I considered telling the parents to remove their mucus covered-disease spreading son....luckily he stopped coughing and went back to staring at me like I was a character from one of his stupid TV shows. "not long now" i thought to myself.
After another two coughing bouts, all aimed directly at me, I reached boiling point. What follows is not in my character at all, but you push the right buttons and there is always going to be a reaction of some sort....
As I got up to move seats, I turned my head at the boy, and with an extremely fake 'AAHHHHCHOOOO' (sneeze) I managed to land the mother of all spits directly on his clueless face. It hit him directly beneath his right eye. This thing sailed perfectly from my mouth, to his face. I managed to catch a glimpse of the spit sliding down his cheek. I deserve 100 points for accuracy.
...........UNLESS THEY DESERVED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE
I then turned my head and pretended I was fixing my nose with a tissue. But I was really just trying not to cry with laughter at the image of the boys face in my mind. I heard the boy start complaining to his mother. With another fake sneeze I went and sat elsewhere with my head in my hands. I had tears in my eyes at the blank expression on this snot-rags face when he finally got a taste of his own medicine.
I did manage to see his mother wiping his face with a tissue and a look of disgust on her face. Or maybe that was just the way her face looked. Either way, she needed to get a warm towelette to remove the rock hard layer of snot from this kids face first, before she focused on the new addition of a strangers spit.
Kid deserved it. I don't wanna say how old is was, because I have no idea. But he was old enough to know that you should cover your damn mouth when coughing in public. I am just happy nobody called me out on it/ I didn't get arrested.
Moral of the story: Cough on my face enough, and I am going to spit on yours.
"scott your a bully, and that is gross and so wrong and blah blah blah..........." If this is honestly what your thinking, then don't read my blog. simple. BYE BYE
-scotty
