revenge is sweet

"There are four basic human needs; food, sleep, sex and revenge" - Banksy

I have not written a blog for a few days now. Why? Because I have been getting drunk and hanging out, obviously

I would like to start by saying : fuck you

Now we have that out of the way we may begin. The message of "fuck you" was directed at any people for which that may be relevant at this point of time. So I have had a few days off and I got little to nothing accomplished.

Neck brace removal date is within sight finally...... I am banking on the 9th of July at 2:30PM, please  don't let me down Daniel Tosh.....(my god, by the way)

PLEASE DONT LET ME LOOK LIKE THIS AFTER MY BRACE COMES OFF.....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

So as I was sitting on my front lawn and watching grass grow the other day, the postman delivered the mail, and I was pleasantly surprised to find a love letter from centrelink in there. My surprise turned to shock when I read the letter within. The letter said many things but the way I saw it was this:

"Dear Scott Hermann; you dole-bludging mother fucker

We (the Australian government) are a bunch of fuckwits and choose to live by our motto:'We are very very quick to take money out of your pockets for ANY reason and infact, we love it. However we are gonna make it so god damn hard for you to get anything back off us. Some people may liken it to drawing blood from stone.'

And because we are a useless bunch of money hungry fucks; we have decided that your probably fine to work now and we shall no longer pay you that 'sickness allowance' you have been receiving. 

Don't care how you are, but according to our records; your probably fine.

Goodbye we hope that we never meet again.

Yours sincerely 

CENTRELINK"

So I put my best clothes on (just joking) and headed off to centrelink to yell at somebody...

I was so angry I asked my mum to come with me because I actually feared I was going to hold Chatswood centrelink hostage while I demanded answers from small asian ladies wearing cardigans. In my mind I could picture myself jumping from desk to desk, kicking over stacks of paper and computers while I waved around a large shotgun. Of course this was just my awsome imagination running away!

Turns out It was a small mistake on the doctors form about dates, so after lining up for an hour i had to go to Chatswood medical centre to get a new medical certificate. Into another waiting room.....

Now by this stage I was seriously pissed off, I don't like waiting for things. I especially don't like it if it's waiting for something due to somebody else's mistake. So by the time I arrived  at the medical centre I was not in a good mood.

As I sat down in the waiting room I suddenly became aware of all the sick people around me, and tried to breathe very lightly so I didn't catch anything. Luckily I was not too close to anybody........

And then of course within 2 minutes of sitting down an asian couple with their child come and sit directly in front of me. "This is fine" I thought to myself. "At least they aren't facing me!!". Just a quick note to parents: When you go out in public places with your little bastard children, please make sure you keep them under control. And teach them some manners. And teach them to wipe noses.

As I sit there, the little asian boy stands up in his chair and faces me. He has dried snot around his mouth and nose and his beady little eyes were darting around the room (i think). And of course he spots me and begins the process of staring at my neck brace and I.

So he keeps on staring at me and I stare him straight back in his dopey looking face. Then what happens next is fucking horrendous. This little kid starts to cough directly on me, doesn't even attempt to cover his mouth. This gross old man sounding cough too, I could literally feel the germs covering my face. He aimed his grubby mouth towards me and coughed away, whilst he continued to stare at me.

"Oh for fucks sake" As I sat there brewing anger like a kettle, I considered telling the parents to remove their mucus covered-disease spreading son....luckily he stopped coughing and went back to staring at me like I was a character from one of his stupid TV shows. "not long now" i thought to myself.

After another two coughing bouts, all aimed directly at me, I reached boiling point. What follows is not in my character at all, but you push the right buttons and there is always going to be a reaction of some sort....

As I got up to move seats, I turned my head at the boy, and with an extremely fake 'AAHHHHCHOOOO' (sneeze) I managed to land the mother of all spits directly on his clueless face. It hit him directly beneath his right eye. This thing sailed perfectly from my mouth, to his face. I managed to catch a glimpse of the spit sliding down his cheek. I deserve 100 points for accuracy.

                               ...........UNLESS THEY DESERVED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE

I then turned my head and pretended I was fixing my nose with a tissue. But I was really just trying not to cry with laughter at the image of the boys face in my mind. I heard the boy start complaining to his mother. With another fake sneeze I went and sat elsewhere with my head in my hands. I had tears in my eyes at the blank expression on this snot-rags face when he finally got a taste of his own medicine.

I did manage to see his mother wiping his face with a tissue and a look of disgust on her face. Or maybe that was just the way her face looked. Either way, she needed to get a warm towelette to remove the rock hard layer of snot from this kids face first, before she focused on the new addition of a strangers spit.

Kid deserved it. I don't wanna say how old is was, because I have no idea. But he was old enough to know that you should cover your damn mouth when coughing in public. I am just happy nobody called me out on it/ I didn't get arrested.

Moral of the story: Cough on my face enough, and I am going to spit on yours.

"scott your a bully, and that is gross and so wrong and blah blah blah..........." If this is honestly what your thinking, then don't read my blog. simple. BYE BYE 

-scotty

wet weather driving solutions

Still have not found out the average weight of an eye-ball......

Did you know: Scientists from the University of Washington recently did a study to find out the worst type of driver in the world. The results are as follows. An old asian lady (50 years +) wearing a hat and gloves, driving a mercedes benz on her way to the shops to buy groceries...... SHOCKING FIND!

WHAT YOU DONT SEE IN THIS PICTURE IS THE 20 SCHOOL KIDS WAITING FOR THEIR BUS, WHICH SHE PLOWED IN TO.

If you know me, which some of you may not. Then you should know that when it comes to driving; I LOVE IT. I have this irrational dislike of being driven by other people and I tend to find myself being one of those fucking annoying back seat drivers. Yes I am sorry for this.

But since I have been in a neck brace I am unable to drive, which is killing me slowly. Which means I am as good as luggage. I need to be picked up and driven around like I am that annoying friend we ALL have who doesn't have their license for no other reason than the fact they are fucking lazy.

So for 6 weeks or so, I have been 'that guy', luckily I have some very tolerant friends who have been kind enough to pick me up and drop me off on many occasions.....I OWE YOU ALL.... But since I am now passenger-scott I actually have time to observe other peoples driving instead of just speeding past everyone because I want to get there first.

And one thing I have noticed is; Sydney drivers, when it begins to rain (even in the slightest) it is like all common motoring skills go out the window. YOU BECOME TERRIBLE! Are Sydney drivers under the impression that because there are a few drops of water on the windscreen they have free rein to start driving like there is a god damn snow storm.

OK, yes we have all learned that breaking distances and handling on cars is affected by water on the road, but does this mean common courtesy and ability to communicate your intended driving actions is also affected??? Explain to me this. Today as we were driving through Willoughby some woman in a BMW decided that due to the wet roads, the suggested speed limit of 60km's per hour was much too fast. No no no no NO! This woman, who by the way was driving an X5, a very big and safe car, though it best to slow down to about 34kmph..... Now we are talking about damp road. This road was not underwater, nor was it even close to being underwater. There was hardly any rain falling from the sky. I mean a kid on their bicycle wouldn't even be fazed by this amount of wetness...

The best part was yet to come, as we over took this woman (which was not hard at all), she appeared to be locked in some straight arm race-car style driving position, as though she were in the middle of an F1 grand prix.... To give you an idea of how slow she was going, I had time to turn my entire crippled self in my seat so I could physically see her. And that takes a while.

The next incident was almost only 5 minutes later when we were driving behind an asian man (yeah we have all been here before) who though that the wetness of the roads meant that turning corners should now be done at such a slow speed, you practically hit 0kmph in the middle of the turn. This man was driving a lexus by the way, we're not talking about fred flinstones car here, we are talking about a modern car with modern safety features..

Finally, one of my most HATED things that people can do on the road is to not be courteous. If I let you into a gap or give way to you, mother fucker you best flash your lights or give me a wave of thanks.... So as we approached a single lane speed-hump, we pulled over and gave this woman plenty of time to make her way through. She comes sailing past, both hands on the wheel and does't even acknowledge us. Look lady, taking your hand off the steering wheel to wave when your traveling at 20kmph will not cause you to go skidding off into someone's front yard in a flaming wreckage.

I do not know how we will fix this 'when-it's-wet-people-become-even-worse-drivers' dilemma, but I can give you all some tips...

• USE YOUR HORN LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER, THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SEE YOU, BUT THEY SURE AS HELL CAN HEAR YOU...

• USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER. NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING, LETS OTHER DRIVERS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING MORE THAN FLIPPING THEM OFF

• ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND YELL AS LOUD AS YOU CAN. USE OF WORDS SUCH AS: FUCKWIT, DICKHEAD, ASSHOLE, STUPID CUNT, WANKER AND TOSSER, ARE ALL ACCEPTABLE. TRY STRINGING MULTIPLE WORDS TOGETHER FOR A CLEARER MESSAGE

• USE YOUR CAR AS A BETTERING RAM. THIS LAST RESORT ISN'T THE SMARTEST, BUT DAMN ITS EFFECTIVE. JUST AIM YOUR VEHICLE AT THE OFFENDERS AND ACCELERATE

Take it into your own hands to educate the wet weather offenders of Sydney. And probably most other parts of the world. Rain does not mean that every single road is now covered in ice and olive oil. You will not die if you go the speed limit people.

                                                             REALITY

                                               THE WAY SYDNEY DRIVERS SEE IT

Yeah so moral of the story. Stop sucking at wet weather driving.

PS. OFF TO SEE DEREK TOMORROW!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY DEREK.

laters homie's

-scotty

the phone argument

What is the average weight of a human eye ball? No, seriously......??

Back on the topic of eyes, is there and food that promotes eye growth? I want to  grow my eyes a bit bigger.

So I have now had my neck brace on for 5 weeks or maybe it has been 32, who knows. "5 weeks has flown past!!" I hear you say? Well it hasn't for me pal, slowest 5 weeks of my life. But I am really pleased to hear you had a quick 5 weeks, congrats.

I was told that I should go back to hospital on the 25th of June, which would have been tomorrow (Monday). So I figured I would call up and check in for the appointment. Keep in mind there was a slight chance I could have maybe possibly gotten out of this brace!

So I dialed the number i had been supplied with and as to be expected, I was placed on hold. I would just like to point out something real quick. I have been placed on hold many times in my life, but i think that royal north shore hospital has possibly THE WORST 'on-hold' music I have ever heard......

WHEN YELLING ON THE PHONE, IT IS IMPORTANT YOU ARE CLEAR AND CONCISE. AND DONT FORGET TO LET THE KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FEEL....

I have no idea what song it was, but it sounded as though they had recruited a bunch of tone-deaf toddlers to experiment with instruments. And to add insult to injury, it was poor quality of course. It was so bad I tried to shazam it so I could show you all. Of course it wasn't recognised. Naturally I put the phone on loud speaker and I began to dance. I thought the idea of being put on hold was so you would stay on the phone. And after a record breaking 2 minutes, I decided nothing was worth waiting for while this music is playing, so i hung up.

I then realised I did need need to make a booking so I re-dialed the number and immersed myself in a hideous rendition of 'green-sleeves'.  Companies, here is a word of advice: We know that at some stage you will have to place our calls on hold, we accept this. But maybe the reason some of your phone operators get abused is because the caller has just come off the back of listening to mind numbing shit music for 15 minutes? Simple fix: take out the CD titled "absolutely terrible music" and throw on the "normal person mix tape" I would find being put on hold an absolute pleasure if i could rock out to some high quality Nirvana.

Ok anyways, i finally got onto the phone to a woman with a heavy Indian accent. For some reason she didn't laugh at my joke about how shit the music was. Ok so here is the rough transcript of my call, keep in mind this lady was VERY hard to understand:

INDIAN LADY: Yes sir, so what is your patient number so I can find out who you are?

SCOTT: Yeah it is _ _ _ _ _ _  my doctor is Vasili I believe....

INDIAN LADY: OK sir so at the moment the doctor is fully booked, and because he only comes fortnightly, the next appointment I can get you is the 29th of July...

SCOTT: HAHA what did you say? Sorry but I thought i heard you say the 29th of July....

INDIAN LADY: Yes sir this is correct, the 29th of July. At 2:30pm.

SCOTT: Yeah nah, this is not going to work for me. Look lady I am wearing a neck brace at the moment. I don't know if you have ever broken your neck before and had to wear one of these, but it's not fun. So what I need you to do, is slot me in for Monday and we will be fine.....

INDIAN LADY: No he is fully booked, I can put you down for the 29th of July......at 2:30pm

SCOTT: Yeah well when I came in last the receptionist dude put my name down for this day, so what the fuck would you like me to do then? Just keep wearing my neck brace longer than I need to? Look, I will just come in and go last, it seriously will take 5 minutes! Will that work?

INDIAN LADY: No this will not work. The doctor is fully booked. He only comes once every 2 weeks. I can get you on the 29th of July at 2:30pm?

SCOTT: Well I didn't know this did I? Not once was I told the doctor only comes once every 2 weeks. You don't understand. If you are telling me that I have to wait until the 29th to see the doctor again, I am going to hang up this phone and rip this god damn neck brace off........

INDIAN LADY: I can book you in for the 29th of July now. Shall I do this now?

SCOTT: NO lady, you shall not. What you shall do is patch me through to another department where the phone operator has a better grasp of the English language and might be able to understand where the fuck I am coming from right now. Are you able to do that much at least?? Can you put me through to somebody helpful? I feel like we are on different pages here....

*SILENCE* 

ALL OF A SUDDEN I AM PUT THROUGH TO ANOTHER DESK AND A MAN ANSWERS. I EXPLAIN MY SITUATION:

MAN: Ah yeah mate, we can slot you in on the 9th of July, sorry we couldn't do anything sooner......

SCOTT: Ok, yeah throw me in there. Thanks for your help. BYEEEEEEEEEEE

Isn't it amazing how all of a sudden they could wipe off 20 days from my waiting time. So I don't think I made friends with my Indian lady, no offense here, but if your going to have somebody answering your phones RNSH, you might want to give them a few language courses first. I shouldn't have to need a translator to make a booking. And maybe a few crash courses in how not the be fucking useless and show some compassion when dealing with patients also, I don't know, just a thought.

THIS MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE WOMAN I WAS TALKING TOO. I DON'T THINK SHE SOUNDED THIS OLD THOUGH.

So 9th of July it is. I am really contemplating just going to a physio and asking them what they think. I haven't got to the point yet where I will just rip it off, but I have a feeling that is not too far away.

I am well aware this is a terrible blog, but I drank alot of vodka last night and it has ruined my creativity today. I am sorry.  If you have any idea about what the hell i should keep blogging about, please let m know. I am digging it that people are reading them.

thats all folks...

-scotty

 

why i don't care about your trip

Facebook: Social network site? Or tool of jealousy?

I care because i don't care

OK, I know that facebook is a great way to keep in touch with friends and family and all. It is also a great tool to organise events and so on. But there is one thing that I am starting to really despise on facebook: The token holiday activity.

Let me first start by saying; if I am guilty of any of the stuff I rant about, then that is completely acceptable for me to do so.

It all starts with the token '(insert name here) checked in at (insert city here) international/domestic airport' Of course followed by a completely terrible comment like "oh, hahaha bye Sydney, see you in 3 months" or something. Firstly, keep your damn facebook check-in to yourself. We get it, you're going to Europe for 3 months with your two friends. 

It is even more annoying when each one of them checks in each other so you have the exact same check in three times over, each one probably with it's own terrible farewell message at the end. If i had a dollar for every time I saw an airport check-in with a smart-ass departure message, i could probably afford my own airport by now.

Now after your fantastic facebook friends have checked in their bags and cleared immigration, it's time to head to the gate. And if you're really lucky they may even upload a photo of the plane they are about to board.....Why is this? I have no idea. Just incase we didn't actually believe that they were at the airport from the initial check in, we now get some visual aids to dispel any doubts we may have had. And guess what, we literally could not give a fuck what your plane looks like. We have all seen one before, and we may have even been on one. I have never once seen an upload of a plane and then kept a look out for the next hour to see if you flew over my house. A QANTAS 747!! Oh shit I had better get my binoculars out and keep my eyes peeled!

LUCKILY ELLIE AND SOPHIE UPLOADED A PHOTO OF THEIR PLANE BEFORE THEY TOOK OFF. THAT WAS AS USEFUL AS ME WAVING TO THEM FLY OVER.....

If you are reading this and thinking "wow, scotty is a real dick" then that is because you have done one of these already. And yes, i probably am a dick.

So once you have arrived at your final destination, you want to explore and have a look around, right? Wrong, you wanna get on facebook and let all those peasant mother fuckers back home that you have arrived in Paris. "Just having a latte at Charles de Gaulle with Jessica after a 23 hour flight. lol" Only a coffee?? But you must be the first person ever to go on a plane!? Somebody get that girl a medal. I will go back to enjoying my instant coffee in the real world, minus the blatant smugness that has poisoned yours. 

By the way, no matter where on this planet you go for your holidays, you are not the first person to ever go there. Aa a matter of a fact your probably somewhere in the millions. So do not talk up a place like the rest of us are uneducated retards. "Oh whats this? Bangkok is the CAPITAL of Thailand? Wow, Emma and James are just a wealth of knowledge"

There are so many other things that annoy me about seeing '............ trip 2012' on my newsfeed, but by far. The single most annoying thing you can do on your trip is upload an instagramed photo of....anything at all. If a photo needs to be instagramed in the first place then it was not a photo worth taking. If your looking at one of the seven wonders of the world, you upload that shit the way you see it. I don't want to look at it through some brown filter lens. Instagram is the devil.

                   SUMMER 2012 TRIP TO BALI. MATT AND I RELAXING ON THE BEACH

I think the world travel organisation (there is no such thing) should make it a mission to go to every single travel destination in the world and put up a big sign at photo hot spots which reads :

"THIS SITE IS LIKE THIS FOR A REASON, IT IS HOW IT IS. IF YOU DECIDE TO INSTAGRAM IT IN ANY WAY, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO PHOTOGRAPH IT"

Thats my opinion and it is right. Upload pictures of your tropical fruit salad or nachos with instagram, i don't care. Do the self-shots instagram style so that everybody thinks your 20 shades browner and somehow your eyes and hair glow. But leave the grand canyon and Vegas lights photo the way they are. 

Please note: I do have mates overseas at the moment and this was in NO WAY inspired by any of you. This is directed at those "facebook friends" who you have no idea why you even have them on there!

Go on a trip for a new experience, learn, live eat and party. Its about the experience. Not how many fucking 'LIKES'  that photo of you on a Greek island got on facebook.

I am aware that I am probably guilty of a few of those things I have ranted about. But thats totally ok cause I  allowed to.

random blog I know.

-scotty

the new tattoo

Did you know that it's a scientific fact. that every single person in the world will have a tattoo at some point in their life? True thing.

What are the two coolest things a person can do in their life? If you said become a dolphin trainer and get a tattoo, then your correct.

When making a big decision in life such as what tattoo to get, it is very important that you give it lots of thought. You must remember that this ink cannot be rubbed off. It is there to stay.....

My first tattoo ever was done spare of the moment by my mate, in his house. A sun and a moon on my arse cheeks. And then the words "someones name" written above it. Yes, not a very smart tattoo. But hey, at least I can tell people the sun shines out of my ass, or I will moon and sun you at the same time.  So maybe 10 minutes to decide on what ass-tat to get was not such a good idea after all.

All good, my next tattoo will have some depth and meaning to it. Most importantly it will be planned. And naturally that moment finally came, when Andy said at the pub "hahaha let's get 'Jet Life' tattooed on us tomorrow" And of course I gave the most mature, responsible reply of "fuck yes".

WHEN SELECTING TATTOO'S IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO NOT GO TOO OVERBOARD FOR YOUR FIRST ONE.

But I am short of money at the moment and unable to work, what a stupid idea.. NO, not a problem, a short 'feature' later on the pokies and i had my tattoo money in hand. I honestly did not think the whole plan was going to go ahead, it was my believe that Andy wanted to get a sleeve done, but i received the call in the morning that it was indeed going ahead as planned. (not really planned, more just said)

You know a tattoo is going to be good when you wake up on the morning, and you have literally no idea as to how the tattoo is even going to look/where your going to place it.  So I was collected by Sam, Andy, Damo and Will this morning and off to Manly Tattoo we went.

The plan (not really a plan) was for all of us to get the tattoo on the same part of our body. Just below our pelvis seemed fair. By the time we got to Manly Ink, I still had no idea what my soon-to-be-tattoo even looked like. But who cares, its just a tattoo right?

So after Damo and Sam decided against their better judgement to not go ahead with the tattoo, it seemed that myself, Andy and Will were the three to join the 'Jet-Life crew'. Andy has one small tattoo already and this was Will's first. No better way to start the habit with a tattoo that has not been planned and absolutely no meaning at all.....Come to think of it, maybe Will didn't even want this tattoo? Too bad bro.

So I finally saw the design on an iphone screen about 10 minutes before they started, and gave it the once over."yeah sweet as, lets do it" Will went up first, myself second and Andy went last.

Two things about this tattoo: Firstly it was a bit bigger than i had pictured in my mind, and secondly, I cannot physically even look down to see it. My neck brace really limits my neck movement for some reason. So the only way for me to actually see my tattoo is by standing in front of a mirror and gazing down.

The tattoo itself was rather painful when it was being done, sensitive area and all that, but it's a good kind of pain. When the artist was doing it, she asked me "So what does it mean?" HAHAHAHA ummmmm I played it cool and just said "Oh yeah its just like cause we're all friends and wanted to get the same thing" So in her mind she heard "this tattoo means fuck-all"

But for those of you who know anything about tattoo after care, one of the most important things you should avoid? Yup, of course it had to be taking baths. So now, not only do i have to bath with my awkward neck brace on but i now also have to avoid getting my pelvis wet. This is going to be interesting and difficult. Draw me a diagram of how I am supposed to do this?

                              YEAH, THATS IT!! PRETTY COOL HUH?

So yeah, now i have the words 'jet-life' tattoo'd on my skin forever.But at least I know two of my mates have the exact same thing. We're in this together. All I have to do now is think up a cool meaning I can tell people. Let me know if you have any good ones.

*for the record, i regret NOTHING. And if you want to get the same tattoo, then you too can join the jet-life crew. Respect to Will and Andy for going through with it. Damo........you're next.

JET LIFE!!

-scotty

bath incident (kind of awkward for me, not for you though)

Unless both cars were traveling at 0km's per hour when they crashed, then yes. Speed was a factor in the accident you idiot Police......

The following blog discusses me being hurt. I give you 100% permission to laugh in my face. It would be awkward for some, but where is the fun in holding back from a story?

I may have said something before about 'hot baths' and how they are no good cold. And of course a bath needs to be hot. That kind of came back to bite me in the arse....literally.

Before i start i would like to float my own boat for a minute.  Since injuring my neck i have been unable to do many things. One of my most missed activities is definitely showering. So instead of having showers, I have been sitting in my bath, below waist depth, and washing myself with a little cloth. It sucks. I believe this at least puts me in the rank of 'professional bath-takers'. I haven't looked into it to see if there is a competition, but over the last 5 weeks I have probably had more baths that all of you combined. So i have declared myself a pro.

Trust me, baths may seem awsome, but they actually get shitty after about the ten minute mark, when the water is cold and the bubbles are gone! (yeah thats right i have bubbles in my bath)

So let me paint you a picture of what I wished to accomplish last night. After a long day of doing not much, I really wanted to have a good soak in a nice bath. I cannot have long showers, but i also cant fill my bath up too much and get my neck brace wet. So my theory was that i would just make the bath a lot hotter instead so it would not go cold so quickly, simple!

I went into the bathroom and turned on the taps, i felt the temp and had it pumping out  just a little hotter than i could bear. My bath is not big by any standards and it's pretty low to the ground, so it doesn't take long to fill. I then went and got a large plastic cup of cold water (never use glass in a bathroom people) and got undressed ready for my delicious bath time. I even selected my finest little cloth that i would use to wash myself with.

I forgot to mention I use shower body wash to make some bubbles, that way i feel like I am also getting clean from the suds. I don't think this is actually effective in baths to be honest. I turned off the taps and chucked on some tunes on my laptop.

Now I know that i call myself a bath pro, I know this is a big call. But i made two very rookie errors on this particular bath.

BATH TAKING RULES (A PROFESSIONAL GUIDE) :

RULE 1: ALWAYS CHECK THE TEMPERATURE OF BATH BEFORE ENTERING!

RULE 2: NEVER RUSH INTO A BATH!

So you might be able to tell by now that I broke both of these rules, almost at the same time. Let me describe to you the events that followed.

I have this little ritual type thing, that when hopping into the bath, I will have a hand on each side and then just drop myself in with my legs out in front of me not unlike that of an Olympic diver If i may say so myself. On seconds thoughts this is a terrible way to hop into a bath if you have broken rules one or two.

As i hovered about the bubbles about to drop myself in a gave a quick thought to the temperature.. "it'll be right"

What happened next is what I can only describe as being probably more painful than breaking my neck. As i fell through the soft layer of bubbles, my bare arse, balls and legs were  then met by the hottest fucking water I have ever experienced. We're talking cup of Tea straight from the kettle HOT.

"OOH MY F-FUCK.....!!" Was all that i managed to get out of my mouth as i felt my manhood and rear end begin to simmer. It felt as though my lower half was being, well, cooked alive. For a moment i thought i could smell boiling flesh.....juuust kidding, but yeah you get the idea as to the heat of this water.

                             THIS IS AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF MY BACK SIDE.

Now I am not the most mobile person on with this neck brace, but you should have seen me move. Like a dolphin that had become a paraplegic in a horse racing accident.... I manage to flop myself over the side of the bath, smack my head on the toilet seat and knock over my cup of water all within the space of 4 seconds after submerging myself in the fire bath.

I don't know how many of you have burned your arse or balls before, but believe it or not, but its actually not that pleasant. As i lay on the bathroom floor with my legs still hanging up on the edge of the bath, i bravely looked down to check that I was still intact. I was.

After catching my breath i gingerly headed for the sink where i ran the cold water all over my behind and under carriage. Had someone walked in at that particular time it would have looked quite strange. Naked boy rinsing his behind in a sink, on second thoughts it might not be so strange in some houses. I went back to the bath and had a proper feel. (something i should have done in the first place) Yeah it was fucking hot. I proceeded to check if any damage was done that would prevent me from having children or sitting on chairs in future. Thankfully all good.

I  sat down on the toilet seat and just pondered how close I was to certain death!! I shot the bath a filthy look and waited 15 MINUTES before it was a comfortable temperature to get it. 15 minute..... so if my maths is correct then the water must have been at least 375 degrees celsius. Don't check me on that one, I know i'm correct.

PRETTY MUCH THE EXACT SAME SCENE FROM LAST NIGHT. EXACTLY . EXCEPT I AM NOT AN OLD MAN, AND I WAS INDOORS, AND I DIDNT HAVE TWO STRANGERS WATCHING ME......AND I AM NOT A PEASANT FROM RUSSIA. 

MORAL OF THE STORY: FUCK BATHS

Baths are no longer my friend, I hate them. That sure did teach me, even professionals such as myself make the simplest mistakes. I am not sure what kind of pain this would have caused a female. So if your a girl and your reading this, you probably can't comprehend the physical pain that I experienced, so next time your with a guy, throw a cup of near-boiling water on his penis and watch his reaction. Make sure you film it though. *do not actually do this. ever. seriously.

So I will be running 'Bath safety courses level 1' every Wednesday night at my place. Please call for bookings and its $25 for the hour. Places are filling quick.

B-B-B-BYE BYE

-scotty

visiting Derek

What's the best thing about free time?

It's free, you tight arse!

Orthotics Department Time Baby!! The most happening place in Sydney...

I had to go into hospital to get my warrior gear changed over and tightened. Derek my main my man was there. All 5ft 5 of him. I think everyone needs a friend like little Derek.

Its a two man job and the other guy was up in the main building of royal north shore hospital, so i had to wait 15 minutes or so. No problem. The problem I will raise with this little office though, are the magazines.

I am aware that hospitals are government funded and always in need of  money and more staff and so on. But seriously, what the hell is up with their choice of reading material. As i sat down on an ancient plastic chair, i looked over at my buffet of inspiring magazines........

The first one i picked up was 'Australian 4WD' March 2009 edition. This terrible magazine was running a feature on choosing the right kind of bull-bar for your off road adventure...... Doesn't that seem a bit unfair that the most likely people reading this magazine are probably going to be unable to drive due to the fact they are in some sort of brace. Thats like giving a bunch of starving African children a cook book. And reading about bull-bars is not that interesting for some reason!

After throwing that one back down i picked up my next item.  'Australian Geographic' August 2010. It would have been interesting if it hadn't been mauled by what appeared to have been a dog or a large rat. That went back in the pile. Now that i think about it, that one should have been binned.

THIS ONE WAS CLOSE TO BEING RACIST.......BUT IT AINT

The next magazine i picked up, was some kind of fishing weekly shit. I didn't even bother to look at this one. Imagine one of the most boring activities you can do (fishing) and then try and make it even more boring.............(reading about fishing). I don't care how many of you swear by it and how its the best past time. Rent a jet ski and then talk to me about fun. You couldn't pay me to start reading about "top 10 knots when trying to catch snapper" Also quite an insult though, because once again, people reading that magazine in the orthotics department are probably not exactly able to go for a fish at that point in time.

NO MATTER WHICH YOU TRY AND LOOK AT IT, BUT THIS MAGAZINE WILL NEVER APPEAL TO NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME......WELL NOT ME, I AM BEYOND NORMAL.

Finally my last choice was between an August 2008 edition of 'Woman's Day" or the owners  manual for a Peugeot  207. Which did i choose? The owners manual of course. Why? Because one day i may need to operate a Peugeot 207 to save my life, but i doubt knowing how Angelina  Jolie was coping with Brad Pitt in August of 2008, will prove helpful at all.

I have prepared a list of new magazines that the orthotics department shall replace the old ones with. Once the government funds them of course:

• Playboy (really good articles)
• Zoo Weekly (also really good articles)
• FHM (ummmmm just because)
• Mens Health (never too late to get fit)
• Rolling Stone (because why the fuck not?)
• Vogue (for the ladies)
• And the Peugeot owners manual (actually turned out to be a good read)
• A cocktail recipe book (gotta have something to look forward to)
• My blog (in print form)

So yeah, thats it.

Everything went well with my neck brace change over. They lie you down and off it comes and change over the padding and so on. The feeling of the neck brace coming off really wanted to make me jump up and run out the door. Cannot wait to see this fucking thing go.

All was well until the end when as i was putting my t shirt back on. The Derek helper-man pulled me up on something. "Oi mate, are you aware that you shouldn't be wearing t-shirts?" ummmm what? "Yeh you are meant to be wearing button up shirts only, the over head movement is the worst thing you can do for your injury......"

Ok wow i must have missed that memo. I have been wearing t shirt for almost a month now. What the fuck man? How many button up items does one person own?  So this means from now on i have to chuck on a collared shirt to take the rubbish out? I am not too keen on the idea of button up clothing all the time. Thats kind of retarded. Next they will be asking me to wear head-gear and velcro shoes hahaha. Not happening.

IF YOU WEAR THESE SHOES^ THEN YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER......

Centrelink still has not paid me, so i am gonna tear in there stomp some heads in......and politely ask where my money is ;)

PS. Forgot to mention that there was an issue of Dolly magazine that i completely didn't even glimpse at. ever. at all.

Auf Wiedersehen

-scotty

crossing roads and shit

Look right then left then right again?  I prefer the walk out and hope for the best technique....

because crossing the road safely is for pussies....

I think i learned to cross the road when i was about 4 or 5. Mum would hold my hand and I would learn to look both ways and wait for the cars to come to a stop at the zebra crossing. Over time this becomes second nature.

As you get older the most rebellious thing any person can do is say 'no' to pedestrian lights and zebra crossings. "Hell no man, waiting for the green light is for pussies, lets leg it" Ok well maybe not the most rebellious thing, but a few idiots will end up getting themselves killed because they were from the  west and high on glue.

Point is, you learn some amount of road sense unless your a complete dead shit.  All you have to do is make it to the other side without that giant bus turning you into road kill. I have always been so curious as to how some pedestrians get hit by a car? Did they not see it coming? They they think that trying to make it across the road is best achieved by not taking your eyes off the prize? Or maybe they think that those big metal objects travelling at great speeds can easily avoid them!

No matter how it happens, some unlucky people get hit by cars. And a lot of us have had the odd near miss or two. Myself included. Now i must say that i am fucking surprised that more neck brace wearing people have not been hit by cars. It is no easy feat crossing a road.

Today i was nearly hit by a car 3 times.....THREE TIMES!!! Can you believe that. "NO" i hear you say? Well your an idiot. Its super easy. Fact is: I am an idiot. I have become so lazy I now just rely on my peripheral vision to try and see if any cars are approaching.

Truth is, turning your entire body right then left, then right again takes much longer than you would expect. The way i figure it by the time I make my second body turn right, a car from the left is probably already approaching due to my slow safety checks and thus meaning i will die.

What do you reckon the ambulance would do if it rocked up to a guy in a neck brace  who had been hit by a car? "Guys, get this neck brace off him, and put another one on STAT!" Or maybe they would assume that i am fine, cause the neck brace saved me from any further injury. "Yeah guys the bones are sticking out of my legs, but believe it or not, my neck is feeling rather stable and ok." Wouldn't it be funny if they though it was a prank for TV and just left you there. OHHHH the ol' run over pedestrian in a neck brace prank! Not this time guys!

Statistics show that the best way to show someone you don't like them much is to run them over with your car.

Luckily i wasn't hit by any cars today or I would be writing one interesting blog for the next 10 weeks. I did how ever catch some public transport. I caught the bus today, and as i walked on I was so so so so tempted to push this old man out of the disabled seat while pointing at my neck brace. "Sorry old man, old age doesn't permit you to take my disabled person seat, now get up the front where your kind belong" *please note that i would never ever ever push an old man over.....unless he deserved it.

If i ever become proper disabled, I demand you guys get me this chair. Look at it!

I guess I shouldn't sat up the back, because two stops later and the bus was packed full of ugly ugly school girls. (Willoughy Girls High of course). They talk about absolute shit! I caught the gist of one conversation about the need for some stripey socks for "Jacks" party on the weekend. Maybe if this girl wanted to get some action she would stop worrying about socks and start working out how to get rid of her mono-brow and crazy-lady-hair.

Darling, a word of advice: If you want to get noticed at Jacks party for a good reason. Maybe spend that 'stripey socks' money on a hair cut and getting your eye brows waxed. Just a suggestion. (ps. does anybody else find this girl kind of hot??)

I guess i copped it when my stop came down and as i pushed my way through a sea of school girls, one girl said "guys move, there is a disabled guy hopping off. I deserved that. For the record, I am the only one allowed to call myself disabled mother fucker! Jokes you on, you go to Willoughby Dog Pound High. Your school has a great reputation haha.

My neighbor thought it would be funny to drive past me today, beep the horn, and yell "CRIPPLE CRIPPLE!!" Scared the shit out me but I can only laugh.

Tomorrow is hospital day and i am going in for a re-tightening! Derek my main man will sort me out hahaha.

stay classy San Diego.....

-scotty

out and about

Person: Hey man, wanna go out drinking?

Me: Yes.

The first time going out and about with a neck brace. Amongst real people in a real bar. Hell yeah......

So my plan to 'take it easy' with my injured neck and not drink, lasted an impressive 3 weeks. Thats not bad considering i don't remember the last time i went 3 weekends in a row with no drinking....probably can't remember it due to the alcohol ruining my brain. Oh well, what can you do about it.

This weekend the decision was made to venture out and about with some mates and go for a drink at Manly's Wharf Bar. Great venue if it isn't raining, or cold, or winter really. So myself Andy, Damo, Sam, Matty and a few footy boys took the plunge.

The night started out as any night does. With a mother fucking god almighty prank. Damo works at a bar in Neutral Bay and said he would buy us a shot. Awsome. Free shots are always going to go down well, right? Wrong. A word of warning. ALWAYS find out what the shot is before you drink it...

What we were told was a shot of Tequila, actually turned out to be something called Naga Chili Vodka. With a heat rating of 100,000 on the scoville scale. To put that in perspective, regular Tabasco sauce scores about 2500. As soon as the shot was down our throats, we knew something was wrong.

My eyes were watering and i felt as though my mouth was on fire. What the fuck was that?? Sam sprinted off to the bathroom to throw up his dinner and considered not going out at all. Andy and i sat at the table and drank endless glasses of milk trying to extinguish the flame. All the meanwhile Damo was sitting there laughing at as. Thats OK, the prank war has begun Mr Damo. Stay tuned for my sweet revenge.

If chili makes you hot under the collar.....then Naga chili vodka will cause you roast under a neck brace! As the chili vodka rapidly assaulted my body, i actually had a vision of me ripping my neck brace off and enjoying sweet freedom. But of course i didn't. 

PLEASE DRINK THIS AND MAKE SURE YOU SEND ME THE VIDEO OF YOU DOING SO

I wish this evil drink upon nobody. Do not drink it. Do not even give this to your worst enemy. Actually, give it to who ever you want, but make sure they are not pregnant or have a prior heart condition. And DO make sure you film it.

After a fiery start to a very rainy night, we made it to Wharf bar. The neck brace attracted the usual amount of curious looks and double takes. Still confuses me though, its a neck brace around my neck, yet people look as though i am a crazy person with a deflated sex-doll wrapped around me.

On a normal pub-outing, at some stage of the night you have to make the call to break the seal, and take a piss. This can be no easy feat by any standards with the alcohol slowing your reactions and accuracy. Now try doing this in a neck brace.

For my first attempt i went into a thankfully empty bathroom where i proceeded to completely miss the bowl, and give the floor a fresh new layer of wee. Sorry wharf bar if your reading this. It actually was an accident. I always wash my hands though!

My second attempt later at a urinal proved to be a much greater success! I did however have a feeling  that i may have pissed on the bloke next to me shoe. Oh well its all collateral damage, no body is going to hit the guy in a neck brace for any reason......i hope.

One intelligent blonde female did come over and ask me: "Do you wear that to try and get girls or is your neck ACTUALLY injured?". wow. My clever response: "Would you like to have sex with me? No? Ok, well i guess my neck ACTUALLY is injured then........"

THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN GO OUT AND PICK UP GIRLS IN A NECK BRACE IS THIS GUY. WHY? BECAUSE HE IS RICH AND FAMOUS AND HAS BLING ON HIS.

The annoying thing about going out last night was, sitting at the table with the boys, there would always be a girl worth looking at. After turning around like an idiot one too many times, i gave up and was content with checking out girls that would walk directly in front of my eye line.

Ended up having quite a few beverages and got quite loose.  Didn't meet any future ex-wife's but i don't blame them. Power Rangers are hard to deal with anyway. Someone suggested a pick up line could be "hey baby, i need some help washing myself, are you able to lend a hand?" Something tells me that would not work though. But as my mate Cam said to me "Chin up mate"................yeah what a smart arse haha.

Fun week of fuck all planned this week, i think i am going to go crazy. Let us see what happens. And i seriously do not take any responsibility if somebody dies or goes to hospital as a result from the chili vodka prank.........

-scotty

fat people at maccas.

Seeing A Fat Person at McDonalds Is My New Favorite Thing

So there i am, sitting down, being crippled and craving a feed.  And all of a sudden an advert for 'Mcdonalds' appears on TV.......what?

Question: What is a crippled persons favorite thing to eat?


Answer: The same shit as everybody else you shit-head , don't be so insensitive.

Who is McDonalds? Where did he come from? Why is he selling his food here? And how did he get so popular?...............These are some of the questions that i literally just thought of, and were not even close to being on my mind as i walked under those giant yellow arches.

Mr Donalds, has over 300,000* stores in Sydney alone! Can you believe it? I chose the Cremorne one naturally. I am from the north shore, i demand the finest. And it kind of is the closest. 

*this is not true one bit

So MickyD has a bit of coin, he has spent big on the location and design of his Cremorne branch. And believe this or not, but it was the first restaurant i have ever been to which had automatic doors. Automatic doors?

If i were to guess the kind of people that eat at this restaurant, then i would have a go at maybe aged between 0-100, lazy, fat and a lack of desire to open their own doors. Kidding, i love eating maccas, and so do you....

One thing bummed me out about this Cremorne Maccas when i got there. As i walked in there was a very large lady waiting for her order. When i say large, were talking not-far-off-a-motorized-cart-cause-i-am-too-lazy-to-walk kind of large.  So i walked over to the lanes, neckbrace and all, and due to her largeness she seemed to be taking up both of them. I politely said "excuse me" and she shot me a filthy look as though i had  asked her to do a push-up. Which by the way, she has ZERO hope of accomplishing. Sorry lady but being morbidly obese doesn't give you a free pass to take up the McDonalds line.

Sorry that a neck brace wearing cripple asked you to move, i realize how hard this must be for you. But alas, i was right. Because this lady had to heave her large gut and shuffle a few inches to her right. Or maybe it was a meter, its hard to tell with these larger people. I think the whole ordeal made her even hungrier. And she made sure to make a disapproving noise as she did so.......





The most confusing thing about this lady, who i would have to guesstimate at about 200kgs, was that she had yoga pants and running shoes on. Now i am not exactly clothing-savvy, but i am certain your going to be hard pressed to find XXXXL yoga pants at your local sports store.

And the running shoes? Is she trying to convince people that she has just run from somewhere? Wrong, lady we know the fastest speeds those shoes have seen were when they were on the production line back in India.

Or maybe she wears the yoga pants and running shoes to tell her self that she is sporty and COULD go for runs if she wanted to......?

I am not a dietitian but getting the 'caesar salad' on top of your almighty meal of big mac's and mc chicken burgers might not be doing much good. I guess the salad is the 'moral support' part of the meal. You can stuff your face full of calories and french fries, but all is redeemed once the salad goes down your pie hole. Yeah thats right lady, i saw what you ordered and i was unimpressed! I am a hungry boy and i couldn't have finished half of your order.

But at the end of the day she did get a diet coke, so its not a complete failure. She is on the path to weight loss, bless her. I do wish her well with that.


I am sorry if you are currently fat and currently in a McDonalds line. This is something you need to get sorted.......i am slightly intoxicated and need to go to sleep.... So my advice, if your going to be a grotesque fat pig, you may as well enjoy it and eat all the unhealthy shit you want to. But don't try kid yourself by wearing sporty clothes and drinking diet cokes. Its way too late.

And when a crippled fella such as me asks you to move. FUCKING DO IT.........





BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.




-scotty

shaking hands

Why do people always say "i will run you a HOT bath"? Is it just to let you know it wont be cold? "Of course your gonna run me a hot one! What the hell am i meant to do with a bath full of cold water? Quench my pet horses thirst?"A bathtub full of cold water is good for one thing: emptying, and then filling with hot.  -end rant

So today i had an awsome plan that who ever was going to ask me what i did to my neck, i was going to make up a lie every time.  And then i was going to talk about my lies on my blog.

But of course, just my luck, today was the absolute first day since i got my neck brace that not a single person asked me what happened. Not one. Not even that goofy looking jb hi fi employee who looked as though his mother was also his sister.

So that idea is GONE! I guess it serves me right. Planning to lie. But next time it will happen......

I did however encounter a woman today who; as i was passing decided that i must have been special and proceeded to turn her head and stare me up and down like i was a cyborg from the future. I looked her in the face and kindly asked her what the fuck she was looking at. I don't think she understood my strange cyborg language though.......

I was luckily enough today to have lunch with a few friends today at some sushi joint. This is when my mate Mitch brought up the topic of shaking hands......

Not a strange topic really but it did get me thinking. Since i have become neck-brace-afied, the common  way to greet a fellow human, usually of the male variety, has changed. It seems as though a neck brace warrants and excuse for a piss weak handshake worthy of a fragile old man.

Shaking my hand with a firm grip will not re-break my neck or inure me further people... In fact i don't even think the hand is connected to the neck. (might wanna check my anatomy there) Or maybe people are worried if they squeeze my hand too tight i will fall over and start having a fit....i wont.

Truth be told, if you squeeze the shit out of my hand. I will be impressed. So do it. I am not a delicate flower than must be handled with care. Well at least i don't think i am.

Or maybe i am completely wrong about it, because the biggest soft-cock of a hand shake i have received so far was from my doctor. Felt like he was just offering his hand for me to squeeze so to see if i was alive.... I know toddlers who have a firmer grip than he. Well i don't really know  any toddlers, but if i did! Then i am sure they would.

             Don't shake this because its a left hand. Always shake with the right.

Don't shake this hand because.....well it has 6 damn fingers. In fact, run away if you ever see this hand, cause this person will probably try and eat your head.

Mitch mentioned another thing. There are a few types of terrible hand shakes, from a few types of people. And he was so right, so here they are in my eyes (and Mitch) :

THE RECLUSE GUY:

This individual lacks the social skills and the muscular strength to engage in a proper handshake. Their hands are most likely weak from countless hours playing xbox and surfing the internet for cartoon porn. As their long bony fingers meet your hands you will find they are most likely freezing cold. Not unlike that of a teenage vampire. Also similar to a teenage vampire is the rarity of this opportunity. This dude has probably done between 5-20 hand shakes in his entire life.....But don't worry, internet friends don't require physical contact. So the chances of these hand shakes are slim to none.

THE STRAIGHT UP WEIRD GUY:

I don't wanna generalize and say this guy will have a creepy pedo smile on his face when you shake his hand......................BUUUUUUUT he will more than likely have a creepy pedo smile on his face when you shake his hand.  These guys like to look a little too long into your eyes, so don't hover. Or smile back. These hand shakes are best dealt with nice and quick. His hand will be soft and uncomfortably warm for some reason. Do not shake for too long. There will be little to no resistance from his sweaty palms, and the harder you squeeze, the probability of him enjoying it more will rise. Not too dissimilar to  holding a warm fish (yeah i don't it either). I suggest not passing out drunk anywhere near this bloke.

THE "I AM TOO COOL FOR YOU GUY" GUY:

This douche bag most likely sends out invites on facebook to promote club events. Or just has something in general to do with going out to the city. Throw some super hip tattoos and some super trendy clothes, and you have one cool guy ready to give you one terrible handshake. 

Because these guys are too cool and too busy, and most likely on their i-phones writing a text message, a person in the vicinity will have to do a introduction. And if you have to be introduced, then your already not cool enough. Cause this cool guy already knows the people worth knowing. He will most likely glance up from his iphone and throw out a quick hand (may be right OR left). At which point you will take it, and proceed to give his limp free hand one almighty fucking squeeze. Hopefully he has some trendy rings on that really dig in and cause him to pay attention to something other than himself for once. 

Squeeze away and hopefully he will wake up to him self, and realize that shaking hands like a girl is not the male way.But then again, he probably wont cause he does moisturize those puppies, and the girls are super jealous. And don't kid yourselves, we all know somebody like this.

FINE SPECIMEN HAND. VERY SUITABLE TO SHAKE. ALSO HAPPENS TO BELONG TO ME. 

HAHA so i have been enough of a dick tonight. I bid you all farewell. And by the way, my only daytime free mate is leaving tomorrow, so i am fucked. I think i will start a stamp collection or watch grass grow. Any ideas?

LATERS

-Scotty

 

when it becomes ok to tease a cripple

Pranking Is The Next Step In Evolution

This heading serves no purpose....NICK

What is the funniest thing of all? Stand up comedians? Adult jokes? My blog? All wrong the correct answer is when girls fall over. We all know that. But closely followed behind that is people in general falling over. And behind THAT is teasing crippled people (not as mean as it sounds).

At first my close friends felt sorry for me and my neck brace. Always offering to open doors and pick up anything i may have dropped due to my lack of mobility. Gone are those days....

The next step with friends will always be the jokes. And the jokes are rolling in. I would like to take a moment to talk about a friend of mine: Nick. Nick has been a best mate of mine for a number of years now, and a good one at that. He currently works over off the coast of Perth or something. The way i see is it he is over-paid and spends his days on an island with 2000 other men and no females. Pretty sus right? He loves it.

Nicks a good man. Sometimes. And when i learned that he was back in Sydney for 9 days i naturally went along to the airport to pick him up. Most of my friends reactions to seeing my neck brace were the same. 'oh fuck', 'man are you ok?', 'that looks uncomfortable'.........not nicks though. After Nicks long flight from Perth, he arrives  back on a cold Sydney morning to what must have been the funniest thing he has ever seen......

Because when nick was within about 10 feet of me he dropped his bags and blatantly started to laugh at me. Not a word of sympathy or an expression of sorrow. The bastard just kept laughing, walked closer, gave the brace a flick, and kept on laughing.

Then as we hopped into the car, he began to laugh again as he watched me struggle. Fuck you Nick. Welcome back.

So for a week now, everyday nick has found a new way to laugh at my impairment. The latest way old Nick has discovered, is to take something of mine and throw it on the ground in front of me, and watch me struggle to pick it up. Yeah he is that guy haha.

Nick enjoys making cripple life as difficult for me and as entertaining for him as possible. When driving, he will shout out "LOOK LEFT!!" and laugh at me. He is a real prick.  A lovable prick of course.

So i have devised a few 'nick inspired' pranks that you can play on power rangers such as myself. Please note i will not be responsible for any further damage to peoples necks....or if death is a result....

HOT GIRL PRANK:

Simple as hell, easier when driving. Yell out that there is a hot girl to the right or left and watch cripple person squirm and struggle trying to get a glimpse. *can work with guys, if thats your thing.

NO HELP:

Not really a prank but when invalid drops something, don't help them. Watch them struggle to do it them selves. Please note: Obviously filming this can add insult to injury and makes for an even more comical experience. 

POINTING OUT:

This annoying as hell one works best in shopping centers. Basically just start point out a whole bunch of useless shit and watch your cripple friend do stupid whole body movements trying to see where they are. This one is really annoying

BEHIND YOU:

This dick-head move makes me feel very special. It also happens un-intentionally sometimes. Juts walk up behind cripple and say hello and keep walking, and by the time they have turned around to see who it is, your already on the other side of them. Makes you look really cool. 

BEAT UP:

This one is for the criminals. Walk near some stairs and when the moment is right, tackle the cripple down the stairs and watch them bounce. They wont know what hit them!!

*Please note, the last one should probably never be attempted.

                 When pranking, don't take things too far, or people from their wheel chair

If you see this guy and your injured; run, hobble, crawl, crutch or wheel away from him. He will tease you.

So thanks to Nick, i have had an interesting week and proved to be much entertainment at my own expense. All good though, cause i would do the EXACT same to him. Thats what friends are for.

So remember folks, next time you meet an incapacitated person; they can provide a great deal of laughs weather they intend to or not. Oh yeah, might not be such a funny idea or someone who is permanently disabled. But hey, thats your call!

So as Nick soon leaves back to man-island, i have come to the realization that during his 9 day visit i have probably earned myself another week in the neck brace! What a top bloke I am just thankful for the fact that now if he is ever injured, i have a free pass to make his life hell! Thanks buddy!!

gonna start filming stuff. stay tuned haaaaaaaaaa

-scotty