Unless both cars were traveling at 0km's per hour when they crashed, then yes. Speed was a factor in the accident you idiot Police......
The following blog discusses me being hurt. I give you 100% permission to laugh in my face. It would be awkward for some, but where is the fun in holding back from a story?
I may have said something before about 'hot baths' and how they are no good cold. And of course a bath needs to be hot. That kind of came back to bite me in the arse....literally.
Before i start i would like to float my own boat for a minute. Since injuring my neck i have been unable to do many things. One of my most missed activities is definitely showering. So instead of having showers, I have been sitting in my bath, below waist depth, and washing myself with a little cloth. It sucks. I believe this at least puts me in the rank of 'professional bath-takers'. I haven't looked into it to see if there is a competition, but over the last 5 weeks I have probably had more baths that all of you combined. So i have declared myself a pro.
Trust me, baths may seem awsome, but they actually get shitty after about the ten minute mark, when the water is cold and the bubbles are gone! (yeah thats right i have bubbles in my bath)
So let me paint you a picture of what I wished to accomplish last night. After a long day of doing not much, I really wanted to have a good soak in a nice bath. I cannot have long showers, but i also cant fill my bath up too much and get my neck brace wet. So my theory was that i would just make the bath a lot hotter instead so it would not go cold so quickly, simple!
I went into the bathroom and turned on the taps, i felt the temp and had it pumping out just a little hotter than i could bear. My bath is not big by any standards and it's pretty low to the ground, so it doesn't take long to fill. I then went and got a large plastic cup of cold water (never use glass in a bathroom people) and got undressed ready for my delicious bath time. I even selected my finest little cloth that i would use to wash myself with.
I forgot to mention I use shower body wash to make some bubbles, that way i feel like I am also getting clean from the suds. I don't think this is actually effective in baths to be honest. I turned off the taps and chucked on some tunes on my laptop.
Now I know that i call myself a bath pro, I know this is a big call. But i made two very rookie errors on this particular bath.
BATH TAKING RULES (A PROFESSIONAL GUIDE) :
RULE 1: ALWAYS CHECK THE TEMPERATURE OF BATH BEFORE ENTERING!
RULE 2: NEVER RUSH INTO A BATH!
So you might be able to tell by now that I broke both of these rules, almost at the same time. Let me describe to you the events that followed.
I have this little ritual type thing, that when hopping into the bath, I will have a hand on each side and then just drop myself in with my legs out in front of me not unlike that of an Olympic diver If i may say so myself. On seconds thoughts this is a terrible way to hop into a bath if you have broken rules one or two.
As i hovered about the bubbles about to drop myself in a gave a quick thought to the temperature.. "it'll be right"
What happened next is what I can only describe as being probably more painful than breaking my neck. As i fell through the soft layer of bubbles, my bare arse, balls and legs were then met by the hottest fucking water I have ever experienced. We're talking cup of Tea straight from the kettle HOT.
"OOH MY F-FUCK.....!!" Was all that i managed to get out of my mouth as i felt my manhood and rear end begin to simmer. It felt as though my lower half was being, well, cooked alive. For a moment i thought i could smell boiling flesh.....juuust kidding, but yeah you get the idea as to the heat of this water.
THIS IS AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF MY BACK SIDE.
Now I am not the most mobile person on with this neck brace, but you should have seen me move. Like a dolphin that had become a paraplegic in a horse racing accident.... I manage to flop myself over the side of the bath, smack my head on the toilet seat and knock over my cup of water all within the space of 4 seconds after submerging myself in the fire bath.
I don't know how many of you have burned your arse or balls before, but believe it or not, but its actually not that pleasant. As i lay on the bathroom floor with my legs still hanging up on the edge of the bath, i bravely looked down to check that I was still intact. I was.
After catching my breath i gingerly headed for the sink where i ran the cold water all over my behind and under carriage. Had someone walked in at that particular time it would have looked quite strange. Naked boy rinsing his behind in a sink, on second thoughts it might not be so strange in some houses. I went back to the bath and had a proper feel. (something i should have done in the first place) Yeah it was fucking hot. I proceeded to check if any damage was done that would prevent me from having children or sitting on chairs in future. Thankfully all good.
I sat down on the toilet seat and just pondered how close I was to certain death!! I shot the bath a filthy look and waited 15 MINUTES before it was a comfortable temperature to get it. 15 minute..... so if my maths is correct then the water must have been at least 375 degrees celsius. Don't check me on that one, I know i'm correct.
PRETTY MUCH THE EXACT SAME SCENE FROM LAST NIGHT. EXACTLY . EXCEPT I AM NOT AN OLD MAN, AND I WAS INDOORS, AND I DIDNT HAVE TWO STRANGERS WATCHING ME......AND I AM NOT A PEASANT FROM RUSSIA.
MORAL OF THE STORY: FUCK BATHS
Baths are no longer my friend, I hate them. That sure did teach me, even professionals such as myself make the simplest mistakes. I am not sure what kind of pain this would have caused a female. So if your a girl and your reading this, you probably can't comprehend the physical pain that I experienced, so next time your with a guy, throw a cup of near-boiling water on his penis and watch his reaction. Make sure you film it though. *do not actually do this. ever. seriously.
So I will be running 'Bath safety courses level 1' every Wednesday night at my place. Please call for bookings and its $25 for the hour. Places are filling quick.
B-B-B-BYE BYE
-scotty
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