out and about

Person: Hey man, wanna go out drinking?

Me: Yes.

The first time going out and about with a neck brace. Amongst real people in a real bar. Hell yeah......

So my plan to 'take it easy' with my injured neck and not drink, lasted an impressive 3 weeks. Thats not bad considering i don't remember the last time i went 3 weekends in a row with no drinking....probably can't remember it due to the alcohol ruining my brain. Oh well, what can you do about it.

This weekend the decision was made to venture out and about with some mates and go for a drink at Manly's Wharf Bar. Great venue if it isn't raining, or cold, or winter really. So myself Andy, Damo, Sam, Matty and a few footy boys took the plunge.

The night started out as any night does. With a mother fucking god almighty prank. Damo works at a bar in Neutral Bay and said he would buy us a shot. Awsome. Free shots are always going to go down well, right? Wrong. A word of warning. ALWAYS find out what the shot is before you drink it...

What we were told was a shot of Tequila, actually turned out to be something called Naga Chili Vodka. With a heat rating of 100,000 on the scoville scale. To put that in perspective, regular Tabasco sauce scores about 2500. As soon as the shot was down our throats, we knew something was wrong.

My eyes were watering and i felt as though my mouth was on fire. What the fuck was that?? Sam sprinted off to the bathroom to throw up his dinner and considered not going out at all. Andy and i sat at the table and drank endless glasses of milk trying to extinguish the flame. All the meanwhile Damo was sitting there laughing at as. Thats OK, the prank war has begun Mr Damo. Stay tuned for my sweet revenge.

If chili makes you hot under the collar.....then Naga chili vodka will cause you roast under a neck brace! As the chili vodka rapidly assaulted my body, i actually had a vision of me ripping my neck brace off and enjoying sweet freedom. But of course i didn't. 

PLEASE DRINK THIS AND MAKE SURE YOU SEND ME THE VIDEO OF YOU DOING SO

I wish this evil drink upon nobody. Do not drink it. Do not even give this to your worst enemy. Actually, give it to who ever you want, but make sure they are not pregnant or have a prior heart condition. And DO make sure you film it.

After a fiery start to a very rainy night, we made it to Wharf bar. The neck brace attracted the usual amount of curious looks and double takes. Still confuses me though, its a neck brace around my neck, yet people look as though i am a crazy person with a deflated sex-doll wrapped around me.

On a normal pub-outing, at some stage of the night you have to make the call to break the seal, and take a piss. This can be no easy feat by any standards with the alcohol slowing your reactions and accuracy. Now try doing this in a neck brace.

For my first attempt i went into a thankfully empty bathroom where i proceeded to completely miss the bowl, and give the floor a fresh new layer of wee. Sorry wharf bar if your reading this. It actually was an accident. I always wash my hands though!

My second attempt later at a urinal proved to be a much greater success! I did however have a feeling  that i may have pissed on the bloke next to me shoe. Oh well its all collateral damage, no body is going to hit the guy in a neck brace for any reason......i hope.

One intelligent blonde female did come over and ask me: "Do you wear that to try and get girls or is your neck ACTUALLY injured?". wow. My clever response: "Would you like to have sex with me? No? Ok, well i guess my neck ACTUALLY is injured then........"

THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN GO OUT AND PICK UP GIRLS IN A NECK BRACE IS THIS GUY. WHY? BECAUSE HE IS RICH AND FAMOUS AND HAS BLING ON HIS.

The annoying thing about going out last night was, sitting at the table with the boys, there would always be a girl worth looking at. After turning around like an idiot one too many times, i gave up and was content with checking out girls that would walk directly in front of my eye line.

Ended up having quite a few beverages and got quite loose.  Didn't meet any future ex-wife's but i don't blame them. Power Rangers are hard to deal with anyway. Someone suggested a pick up line could be "hey baby, i need some help washing myself, are you able to lend a hand?" Something tells me that would not work though. But as my mate Cam said to me "Chin up mate"................yeah what a smart arse haha.

Fun week of fuck all planned this week, i think i am going to go crazy. Let us see what happens. And i seriously do not take any responsibility if somebody dies or goes to hospital as a result from the chili vodka prank.........

-scotty

fat people at maccas.

Seeing A Fat Person at McDonalds Is My New Favorite Thing

So there i am, sitting down, being crippled and craving a feed.  And all of a sudden an advert for 'Mcdonalds' appears on TV.......what?

Question: What is a crippled persons favorite thing to eat?


Answer: The same shit as everybody else you shit-head , don't be so insensitive.

Who is McDonalds? Where did he come from? Why is he selling his food here? And how did he get so popular?...............These are some of the questions that i literally just thought of, and were not even close to being on my mind as i walked under those giant yellow arches.

Mr Donalds, has over 300,000* stores in Sydney alone! Can you believe it? I chose the Cremorne one naturally. I am from the north shore, i demand the finest. And it kind of is the closest. 

*this is not true one bit

So MickyD has a bit of coin, he has spent big on the location and design of his Cremorne branch. And believe this or not, but it was the first restaurant i have ever been to which had automatic doors. Automatic doors?

If i were to guess the kind of people that eat at this restaurant, then i would have a go at maybe aged between 0-100, lazy, fat and a lack of desire to open their own doors. Kidding, i love eating maccas, and so do you....

One thing bummed me out about this Cremorne Maccas when i got there. As i walked in there was a very large lady waiting for her order. When i say large, were talking not-far-off-a-motorized-cart-cause-i-am-too-lazy-to-walk kind of large.  So i walked over to the lanes, neckbrace and all, and due to her largeness she seemed to be taking up both of them. I politely said "excuse me" and she shot me a filthy look as though i had  asked her to do a push-up. Which by the way, she has ZERO hope of accomplishing. Sorry lady but being morbidly obese doesn't give you a free pass to take up the McDonalds line.

Sorry that a neck brace wearing cripple asked you to move, i realize how hard this must be for you. But alas, i was right. Because this lady had to heave her large gut and shuffle a few inches to her right. Or maybe it was a meter, its hard to tell with these larger people. I think the whole ordeal made her even hungrier. And she made sure to make a disapproving noise as she did so.......





The most confusing thing about this lady, who i would have to guesstimate at about 200kgs, was that she had yoga pants and running shoes on. Now i am not exactly clothing-savvy, but i am certain your going to be hard pressed to find XXXXL yoga pants at your local sports store.

And the running shoes? Is she trying to convince people that she has just run from somewhere? Wrong, lady we know the fastest speeds those shoes have seen were when they were on the production line back in India.

Or maybe she wears the yoga pants and running shoes to tell her self that she is sporty and COULD go for runs if she wanted to......?

I am not a dietitian but getting the 'caesar salad' on top of your almighty meal of big mac's and mc chicken burgers might not be doing much good. I guess the salad is the 'moral support' part of the meal. You can stuff your face full of calories and french fries, but all is redeemed once the salad goes down your pie hole. Yeah thats right lady, i saw what you ordered and i was unimpressed! I am a hungry boy and i couldn't have finished half of your order.

But at the end of the day she did get a diet coke, so its not a complete failure. She is on the path to weight loss, bless her. I do wish her well with that.


I am sorry if you are currently fat and currently in a McDonalds line. This is something you need to get sorted.......i am slightly intoxicated and need to go to sleep.... So my advice, if your going to be a grotesque fat pig, you may as well enjoy it and eat all the unhealthy shit you want to. But don't try kid yourself by wearing sporty clothes and drinking diet cokes. Its way too late.

And when a crippled fella such as me asks you to move. FUCKING DO IT.........





BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.




-scotty

shaking hands

Why do people always say "i will run you a HOT bath"? Is it just to let you know it wont be cold? "Of course your gonna run me a hot one! What the hell am i meant to do with a bath full of cold water? Quench my pet horses thirst?"A bathtub full of cold water is good for one thing: emptying, and then filling with hot.  -end rant

So today i had an awsome plan that who ever was going to ask me what i did to my neck, i was going to make up a lie every time.  And then i was going to talk about my lies on my blog.

But of course, just my luck, today was the absolute first day since i got my neck brace that not a single person asked me what happened. Not one. Not even that goofy looking jb hi fi employee who looked as though his mother was also his sister.

So that idea is GONE! I guess it serves me right. Planning to lie. But next time it will happen......

I did however encounter a woman today who; as i was passing decided that i must have been special and proceeded to turn her head and stare me up and down like i was a cyborg from the future. I looked her in the face and kindly asked her what the fuck she was looking at. I don't think she understood my strange cyborg language though.......

I was luckily enough today to have lunch with a few friends today at some sushi joint. This is when my mate Mitch brought up the topic of shaking hands......

Not a strange topic really but it did get me thinking. Since i have become neck-brace-afied, the common  way to greet a fellow human, usually of the male variety, has changed. It seems as though a neck brace warrants and excuse for a piss weak handshake worthy of a fragile old man.

Shaking my hand with a firm grip will not re-break my neck or inure me further people... In fact i don't even think the hand is connected to the neck. (might wanna check my anatomy there) Or maybe people are worried if they squeeze my hand too tight i will fall over and start having a fit....i wont.

Truth be told, if you squeeze the shit out of my hand. I will be impressed. So do it. I am not a delicate flower than must be handled with care. Well at least i don't think i am.

Or maybe i am completely wrong about it, because the biggest soft-cock of a hand shake i have received so far was from my doctor. Felt like he was just offering his hand for me to squeeze so to see if i was alive.... I know toddlers who have a firmer grip than he. Well i don't really know  any toddlers, but if i did! Then i am sure they would.

             Don't shake this because its a left hand. Always shake with the right.

Don't shake this hand because.....well it has 6 damn fingers. In fact, run away if you ever see this hand, cause this person will probably try and eat your head.

Mitch mentioned another thing. There are a few types of terrible hand shakes, from a few types of people. And he was so right, so here they are in my eyes (and Mitch) :

THE RECLUSE GUY:

This individual lacks the social skills and the muscular strength to engage in a proper handshake. Their hands are most likely weak from countless hours playing xbox and surfing the internet for cartoon porn. As their long bony fingers meet your hands you will find they are most likely freezing cold. Not unlike that of a teenage vampire. Also similar to a teenage vampire is the rarity of this opportunity. This dude has probably done between 5-20 hand shakes in his entire life.....But don't worry, internet friends don't require physical contact. So the chances of these hand shakes are slim to none.

THE STRAIGHT UP WEIRD GUY:

I don't wanna generalize and say this guy will have a creepy pedo smile on his face when you shake his hand......................BUUUUUUUT he will more than likely have a creepy pedo smile on his face when you shake his hand.  These guys like to look a little too long into your eyes, so don't hover. Or smile back. These hand shakes are best dealt with nice and quick. His hand will be soft and uncomfortably warm for some reason. Do not shake for too long. There will be little to no resistance from his sweaty palms, and the harder you squeeze, the probability of him enjoying it more will rise. Not too dissimilar to  holding a warm fish (yeah i don't it either). I suggest not passing out drunk anywhere near this bloke.

THE "I AM TOO COOL FOR YOU GUY" GUY:

This douche bag most likely sends out invites on facebook to promote club events. Or just has something in general to do with going out to the city. Throw some super hip tattoos and some super trendy clothes, and you have one cool guy ready to give you one terrible handshake. 

Because these guys are too cool and too busy, and most likely on their i-phones writing a text message, a person in the vicinity will have to do a introduction. And if you have to be introduced, then your already not cool enough. Cause this cool guy already knows the people worth knowing. He will most likely glance up from his iphone and throw out a quick hand (may be right OR left). At which point you will take it, and proceed to give his limp free hand one almighty fucking squeeze. Hopefully he has some trendy rings on that really dig in and cause him to pay attention to something other than himself for once. 

Squeeze away and hopefully he will wake up to him self, and realize that shaking hands like a girl is not the male way.But then again, he probably wont cause he does moisturize those puppies, and the girls are super jealous. And don't kid yourselves, we all know somebody like this.

FINE SPECIMEN HAND. VERY SUITABLE TO SHAKE. ALSO HAPPENS TO BELONG TO ME. 

HAHA so i have been enough of a dick tonight. I bid you all farewell. And by the way, my only daytime free mate is leaving tomorrow, so i am fucked. I think i will start a stamp collection or watch grass grow. Any ideas?

LATERS

-Scotty

 

when it becomes ok to tease a cripple

Pranking Is The Next Step In Evolution

This heading serves no purpose....NICK

What is the funniest thing of all? Stand up comedians? Adult jokes? My blog? All wrong the correct answer is when girls fall over. We all know that. But closely followed behind that is people in general falling over. And behind THAT is teasing crippled people (not as mean as it sounds).

At first my close friends felt sorry for me and my neck brace. Always offering to open doors and pick up anything i may have dropped due to my lack of mobility. Gone are those days....

The next step with friends will always be the jokes. And the jokes are rolling in. I would like to take a moment to talk about a friend of mine: Nick. Nick has been a best mate of mine for a number of years now, and a good one at that. He currently works over off the coast of Perth or something. The way i see is it he is over-paid and spends his days on an island with 2000 other men and no females. Pretty sus right? He loves it.

Nicks a good man. Sometimes. And when i learned that he was back in Sydney for 9 days i naturally went along to the airport to pick him up. Most of my friends reactions to seeing my neck brace were the same. 'oh fuck', 'man are you ok?', 'that looks uncomfortable'.........not nicks though. After Nicks long flight from Perth, he arrives  back on a cold Sydney morning to what must have been the funniest thing he has ever seen......

Because when nick was within about 10 feet of me he dropped his bags and blatantly started to laugh at me. Not a word of sympathy or an expression of sorrow. The bastard just kept laughing, walked closer, gave the brace a flick, and kept on laughing.

Then as we hopped into the car, he began to laugh again as he watched me struggle. Fuck you Nick. Welcome back.

So for a week now, everyday nick has found a new way to laugh at my impairment. The latest way old Nick has discovered, is to take something of mine and throw it on the ground in front of me, and watch me struggle to pick it up. Yeah he is that guy haha.

Nick enjoys making cripple life as difficult for me and as entertaining for him as possible. When driving, he will shout out "LOOK LEFT!!" and laugh at me. He is a real prick.  A lovable prick of course.

So i have devised a few 'nick inspired' pranks that you can play on power rangers such as myself. Please note i will not be responsible for any further damage to peoples necks....or if death is a result....

HOT GIRL PRANK:

Simple as hell, easier when driving. Yell out that there is a hot girl to the right or left and watch cripple person squirm and struggle trying to get a glimpse. *can work with guys, if thats your thing.

NO HELP:

Not really a prank but when invalid drops something, don't help them. Watch them struggle to do it them selves. Please note: Obviously filming this can add insult to injury and makes for an even more comical experience. 

POINTING OUT:

This annoying as hell one works best in shopping centers. Basically just start point out a whole bunch of useless shit and watch your cripple friend do stupid whole body movements trying to see where they are. This one is really annoying

BEHIND YOU:

This dick-head move makes me feel very special. It also happens un-intentionally sometimes. Juts walk up behind cripple and say hello and keep walking, and by the time they have turned around to see who it is, your already on the other side of them. Makes you look really cool. 

BEAT UP:

This one is for the criminals. Walk near some stairs and when the moment is right, tackle the cripple down the stairs and watch them bounce. They wont know what hit them!!

*Please note, the last one should probably never be attempted.

                 When pranking, don't take things too far, or people from their wheel chair

If you see this guy and your injured; run, hobble, crawl, crutch or wheel away from him. He will tease you.

So thanks to Nick, i have had an interesting week and proved to be much entertainment at my own expense. All good though, cause i would do the EXACT same to him. Thats what friends are for.

So remember folks, next time you meet an incapacitated person; they can provide a great deal of laughs weather they intend to or not. Oh yeah, might not be such a funny idea or someone who is permanently disabled. But hey, thats your call!

So as Nick soon leaves back to man-island, i have come to the realization that during his 9 day visit i have probably earned myself another week in the neck brace! What a top bloke I am just thankful for the fact that now if he is ever injured, i have a free pass to make his life hell! Thanks buddy!!

gonna start filming stuff. stay tuned haaaaaaaaaa

-scotty

who cares about necks!

Time: Now

Place: Here

Less about the brace, more about me

So it has occurred to me that writing about my neck pains every day will eventually become really boring. Just joking, it is already boring. 

But as long as i have my injured neck induced free time, i will just continue to write about random shit which may or may not include neck brace related material. Just to clear it up.

Believe it or not, but having heaps of free time and limited mobility is the fucking worst thing in the world (closely followed by war and famine). So my days do not consist of much

Here is a standard day in order of events:

• wake up (laying perfectly flat on my back of course)
• check phone for any love
• check facebook for any love
• check phone again for any love
• go on a news website and get up to date on current affairs.....haha, i dont really
• get up and give myself a super enjoyable sponge-bath
• drink a protein shake and check fridge for food
• fridge is empty, so i improvise and make toast
• watch about 20 mins of tv
• realize i should stop walking around naked and get dressed
• check phone/facebook for love and decide to just find some fucking friends who are free

So, my days kind of suck. What's that i hear you say? Read a book? Get into a season of (insert terrible american show here)??? Yeah nah, not going to happen. Sitting on a rock-hard upright chair with your head straight is not actually as comfortable as it sounds. Throw 'holding up a book in front of your face like your driving an imaginary car' into the mix and you will not last long at all.

Today i hung out with some mates in Enmore (inner city suburb of sydney). Its a lot like manly in the way that it is actually nothing like Manly at all. Oh, except for the severe lack of parking.

I have just realized that the sentence above does not make sense. But thats ok cause its my blog and not yours.

Later on in the arvo, i went shopping in Woolworths (Northbridge). Within about 20 seconds of walking in, i found myself in the vegetable section. As i was checking out some sweet delicious fruits (joking, there was a smoking hot MILF buying some mandarines)  i turned just in time to see a  middle aged lady go ass over head, and hit the deck.

As i watched her come crashing down to earth, i couldn't help but laugh as her loaf of bread and bag of onions went flying. I think she was very embarrassed, probably made worse by the fact i was standing there laughing in a neck brace with no ability to help her up. So i shrugged and asked if she was ok. Luckily a fat employee came to her aid, like a chubby Kight in shining armor (woolworths shirt). 

                    If you go grocery shopping in these, you deserve to fall over

     if you go  grocery shopping in these.........then you are most probably a stripper

I would have felt sorry for her if i had not seen the high heels and Louis Vuitton hand-bag.*Please remember that Northbridge is a lot like the 'double bay' of the north shore....lots of money and lots of snobs*  Moral of the story is; don't go shopping in high heels. You can afford that handbag, i suggest you google 'shoes to wear to woolworths that wont make me fall over and look like an idiot' Or hit up Mr Vuitton for some practical grocery shopping flats.

Anyways, walking through Woolworths i managed to make 5 kids to the double-take, and have a stare at my neck brace. I also felt like a special boy when i couldn't find the milo and had to ask the shel stocker, who promptly pointed to the bottom shelf right in front of me and laughed: 'HAHAH probably can't see that one, can ya mate? Cause of that cast on your neck and all'......"Nah dick head  your probably right, it is now clear to me why you work at Woolworths and not somewhere where intelligence is a prerequisite"

Thats all folks, sorry if you didn't laugh, this is about ME and not YOU

-scotty

when sympathy becomes an insult

There I Was, Planet Earth 2012.......

(AT A PLACE WHERE YOU EAT)

So ever since i got this totally awsome, super fashionable neck brace installed (cause i always wanted one) i have received all sorts of sympathy from all sorts of people.

I have no problem with getting sympathy from people, but i am starting to see a trend... At one point people, your sympathy turns into a blatant fucking insult!

To be honest i find this more common with strangers who don't know me rather than friends. I think that people think that because i am in a neck brace, that i am not the sharpest tool in the shead?

Take my most recent example for umm example: The other night i went to dinner with some friends in Willoughby (the hood). Nice little joint, terrible food. But lets not worry about that. I am not writing restaurant reviews just yet.....although there is an idea.

So as we are all seated around the table, the owner comes over with menus. A stern-faced woman, she walks around the table dropping menus. Then as she spots me her face lights up. She hands me the menu and says "Ohhhh you poor thing, we must look after you heheHA (was not funny lady)" I can actually cut my own food...

"Thats cool" i think. Sympathy. After we have a look on the terrible menu, we decide to order our terrible food. She comes back and starts taking our orders. And as she gets to me, he voice lowers and her words slow down "And     how     ABOUT    you      darling?" She is speaking to me as though i am cross eyed and dribbling on the table cloth. 'Yeah i will take one of your hideous pizzas thanks love, by the way, i am not retarded"..............is what i would have liked to say. But i ordered with a big smile of course.

                          

                                         How i see my self (white version though)

                                          How this woman saw me

And then the big one, she looks at me as though i am in need of a big hug and turns to the others at the table and says "What did he do to himself?"

WHAT THE FUCK??

Because i am not rude in real life, i turned the attention back to me and said in clear, proper english; "I damaged my neck whilst engaging in a sporting activity" I am right here,  these are my friends, not my carers, i am not slow, special, or what ever you would like to think....and believe it or not, you can address me when talking to me (well about me actually).

Throughout the night i was getting nice warm looks as though i were a small child and needed to be taken care of. Lovely woman i guess, clearly an idiot though. I should have kept dropping my knife and fork for affect. Play 'how many times can the owner pick up my cutlery'

Ok, so when you ever come across a person in a neck brace, believe or not but it does not make them deaf,blind,slow or socially retarded, it means they have an injured neck. DAMN. Although you can buy me a present. Not opposed to that at all. Preferably expensive.

Any how jokes on her, she has a terrible restaurant, and i will NOT be going back. Why? Because she treated me like i had come from a mental hospital? NO. Because her food was terrible and the decor was below par. For future reference lady, tell us before you put the basket of super dry ethnic breads on the table, that they taste like wallpaper. Which is ironic, because the wallpaper in this joint also sucked, and the bread may have made for a more suitable substitute.

Any ideas on how to keep passing tim, please don't hesitate to let me know via email or facebook. xx

bye bye now

-scotty

curse of the neck brace

Living With Plastic.....

"After a few days, you will hardly notice its even there"......I can still remember the doctors voice in my head when he spat this lie at me. 

Ok,  so first up it will be uncomfortable but i will get used to it right? Well not really. After waking up in pain a fair bit this week, i decided to go in to RNSH and get my power ranger get-up a 'reworking'

The little asian man, (there seem to be a lot of little asians lately) Derek who works in the orthotics department at RNSH was fuckin amazed at how loose my neck brae had become in just under 2 weeks.

So basically the loose neck-brace  was giving my neck too much movement, thus causing the pain. Real rocket science there

So after i finally am getting used to my neck brace and how loose it is, i get it re-tightened and changed, and all of a sudden its like a whole new brace. Way tighter than it ever was before and it REALLY limits my movements now. So much so that i literally can not turn my head at all.

I love to socialize with friends and go out every so often, but this fucking lack of neck movement is proving to be way more of a downer than  i ever expected.  I feel left out and slow.

AND I AM A PEACOCK MAN! YOU GOTTA LET ME FLY!!!

I really really really really really really really really want to have a shower. I  do not like sponge bathing myself.

This was a lame and unfunny blog i know. But i thought i would just be real with you, and just let you know what this thing is like. So my plan is this...........

WHEN MY NECK BRACE COMES OFF, I AM GOING TO HAVE A PARTY AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO GET DRUNK AND HAVE SHOWERS!! (ok well we wont have showers, but i am keen if your keen ;) haha)

gooooobye now

-scotty