one year on.still awesome.read this.fuck you.

Welcome back, sit down, chill out, please...stay a while (please read this is a creepy pedo voice)

Before I begin, I would publicly like to announce that 'hashtagging' is the gayest thing since aids. Do not hashtag, not even as a joke, ever. If you hashtag for real, I pray that one day an escaped elephant has his way with your rear...

Good evening, it has been exactly one year to the day since I was forced against my will to don one half of the white power ranger outfit. YES. You're also thinking "Holy fuck, that year has gone quickly", well guess what fucker, a year is a year. Time doesn't speed up or slow down as you please. If you spent the last year kicking back, sipping cocktails in Bora Bora, you'd not only have a sweet tan and alcohol poisoning, but you'd have no idea how long ago a year was...


But y'all haven't been doing that have you? Instead, you have been either working your shitty dead end job, or studying some terrible subject that will eventually lead to a shitty dead end job. So for 5 minutes (or how ever long it takes you to read this blog, maybe half an hour if you're "special") just forget your shitty desk, forget your boring work colleagues and their terrible stories and just read. Oh, and if you need a break to go and instagram your meal, then please close this window now, I don't want your type here.








             













                      A selfie of me from 10 minutes ago
This photo was taken of me this time last year





I know what you're all thinking "Wow Scott, you look so fit and healthy (not to mention black)" And you would all be correct. After loosing the neck brace I stared a rigorous  training regime that consisted of me walking on a treadmill occasionally and eating whatever the fuck I wanted. So I guess you could say the secret to my success is just straight up good genes...sorry aspiring fatties, you will have to do it the hard way. As to my unexplained "African appearance" it shall remain unexplained.


When sitting down to write this blog I was throwing around some idea in my head, what do people like? what do people want to read? what inspires people? The answer to that is; I don't care, there are many places in the world to go for advice and inspiration, my turd of a blog is not one of them.



How about a summary of the past years events?? Wouldn't everybody like that? Nah, maybe not, a shit load of Americans were shot and blown up, an even bigger shit load of people got shot and blown up in the middle east, daft punk released and album and Australia is still being run by the *hottest red-head on the planet. Oh, and Scott is still yet to sleep with a celebrity, so if you're a celebrity and you're reading this, hit me up xoxo.

*the term "hottest" is a very very very loose phrase and may indeed translate to 'hideous'



You know what else has been raping my eyes this past year? You guess it: BLOGS. I am going to go ahead and state now that if your write a blog, there is a 100% chance that it sucks. Look what you're reading now, it sucks. So, fuck your blog, fuck bloggers and fuck you. Any 2 year old with the ability to see in colour could upload "artistic" and "inspirational" photos to a web page and then throw some hippy bullshit quotes about 'freedom' and 'love', blogging gives you ZERO credit in the real world. ZERO.

I CALL BULLSHIT, THE GREATEST DANGER TO MOST OF US IS A PHYSCO MOTHER FUCKER, HIGH ON CRACK WALKING THE STREETS WITH A RIFLE, PICKING OFF PEOPLE AT WILL. SORRY MICHELANGELO, STICK TO HANGING OUT IN THE SEWERS WITH THE OTHER NINJA TURTLES.

I CAN ONLY ASSUME THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS "INSTAGRAMMABLE INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE" WAS BY ALL MEANS; LEGALLY RETARDED. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENCE, DONT TRY LOOK FOR A "DEEP" MEANING. JUST ACCEPT THAT THIS PERSON IS NOW PROBABLY WORKING AT KFC.

                                                        THIS QUOTE IS RAD...

THIS SHIT DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE ON THE INTERNET. IT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THIS WASTE OF DIGITAL SPACE AND REALLY THOUGHT "I AM BEAUTIFUL". CHANCES ARE, IF YOU NEED TO GET YOUR COMPLIMENTS FROM A COMPUTER SCREEN, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT RIGHT UP THERE IN THE SOCIAL SCENE...


You are all probably sitting there and thinking "wow, Scott has really got some anger issues" and you'd be wrong, I make this up as it comes to me, then it goes down on the keyboard and then it is gone again...



Anyways, I will wrap up this blogging thing now because quite frankly it is boring me, hopefully it didn't bore you though, if it did please feel free to leave a comment at www.ScrewYou.com don't forget the capital letters.


If any of you cared about what I am doing with my life, I have resumed training as a stuntman again and I am loving it. All I need now is a 6'5 blonde actor to make a name for himself in the action movie scene. If you are an aspiring actor who fits this description, hit me up. I will make you the best Vegemite toast and cup of tea you've ever eaten.

Also, now living over the east side of Sydney (Paddington), so I am officially an eastern suburbs wanker, don't judge me... just kidding, judge away, the east sucks and so does all it residents, including me.


I also have a homework for any of you new couples, when meeting your partners parents for the first time, when asked "what do you do?" tell them that you clean Maccas trays and the airport macdonals... try keep a straight face and watch their reaction. I am not saying thats a shit job.ohwaityeahIam.


I would just like to leave you all with my own quote, real 'moral fiber' kinda stuff. Inspiring if you will...

PEACE. SCOTT BE GONE XXXXX


ps. if this took you more than 5 minutes to read, go back to school.

revenge is sweet

"There are four basic human needs; food, sleep, sex and revenge" - Banksy

I have not written a blog for a few days now. Why? Because I have been getting drunk and hanging out, obviously

I would like to start by saying : fuck you

Now we have that out of the way we may begin. The message of "fuck you" was directed at any people for which that may be relevant at this point of time. So I have had a few days off and I got little to nothing accomplished.

Neck brace removal date is within sight finally...... I am banking on the 9th of July at 2:30PM, please  don't let me down Daniel Tosh.....(my god, by the way)

PLEASE DONT LET ME LOOK LIKE THIS AFTER MY BRACE COMES OFF.....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

So as I was sitting on my front lawn and watching grass grow the other day, the postman delivered the mail, and I was pleasantly surprised to find a love letter from centrelink in there. My surprise turned to shock when I read the letter within. The letter said many things but the way I saw it was this:

"Dear Scott Hermann; you dole-bludging mother fucker

We (the Australian government) are a bunch of fuckwits and choose to live by our motto:'We are very very quick to take money out of your pockets for ANY reason and infact, we love it. However we are gonna make it so god damn hard for you to get anything back off us. Some people may liken it to drawing blood from stone.'

And because we are a useless bunch of money hungry fucks; we have decided that your probably fine to work now and we shall no longer pay you that 'sickness allowance' you have been receiving. 

Don't care how you are, but according to our records; your probably fine.

Goodbye we hope that we never meet again.

Yours sincerely 

CENTRELINK"

So I put my best clothes on (just joking) and headed off to centrelink to yell at somebody...

I was so angry I asked my mum to come with me because I actually feared I was going to hold Chatswood centrelink hostage while I demanded answers from small asian ladies wearing cardigans. In my mind I could picture myself jumping from desk to desk, kicking over stacks of paper and computers while I waved around a large shotgun. Of course this was just my awsome imagination running away!

Turns out It was a small mistake on the doctors form about dates, so after lining up for an hour i had to go to Chatswood medical centre to get a new medical certificate. Into another waiting room.....

Now by this stage I was seriously pissed off, I don't like waiting for things. I especially don't like it if it's waiting for something due to somebody else's mistake. So by the time I arrived  at the medical centre I was not in a good mood.

As I sat down in the waiting room I suddenly became aware of all the sick people around me, and tried to breathe very lightly so I didn't catch anything. Luckily I was not too close to anybody........

And then of course within 2 minutes of sitting down an asian couple with their child come and sit directly in front of me. "This is fine" I thought to myself. "At least they aren't facing me!!". Just a quick note to parents: When you go out in public places with your little bastard children, please make sure you keep them under control. And teach them some manners. And teach them to wipe noses.

As I sit there, the little asian boy stands up in his chair and faces me. He has dried snot around his mouth and nose and his beady little eyes were darting around the room (i think). And of course he spots me and begins the process of staring at my neck brace and I.

So he keeps on staring at me and I stare him straight back in his dopey looking face. Then what happens next is fucking horrendous. This little kid starts to cough directly on me, doesn't even attempt to cover his mouth. This gross old man sounding cough too, I could literally feel the germs covering my face. He aimed his grubby mouth towards me and coughed away, whilst he continued to stare at me.

"Oh for fucks sake" As I sat there brewing anger like a kettle, I considered telling the parents to remove their mucus covered-disease spreading son....luckily he stopped coughing and went back to staring at me like I was a character from one of his stupid TV shows. "not long now" i thought to myself.

After another two coughing bouts, all aimed directly at me, I reached boiling point. What follows is not in my character at all, but you push the right buttons and there is always going to be a reaction of some sort....

As I got up to move seats, I turned my head at the boy, and with an extremely fake 'AAHHHHCHOOOO' (sneeze) I managed to land the mother of all spits directly on his clueless face. It hit him directly beneath his right eye. This thing sailed perfectly from my mouth, to his face. I managed to catch a glimpse of the spit sliding down his cheek. I deserve 100 points for accuracy.

                               ...........UNLESS THEY DESERVED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE

I then turned my head and pretended I was fixing my nose with a tissue. But I was really just trying not to cry with laughter at the image of the boys face in my mind. I heard the boy start complaining to his mother. With another fake sneeze I went and sat elsewhere with my head in my hands. I had tears in my eyes at the blank expression on this snot-rags face when he finally got a taste of his own medicine.

I did manage to see his mother wiping his face with a tissue and a look of disgust on her face. Or maybe that was just the way her face looked. Either way, she needed to get a warm towelette to remove the rock hard layer of snot from this kids face first, before she focused on the new addition of a strangers spit.

Kid deserved it. I don't wanna say how old is was, because I have no idea. But he was old enough to know that you should cover your damn mouth when coughing in public. I am just happy nobody called me out on it/ I didn't get arrested.

Moral of the story: Cough on my face enough, and I am going to spit on yours.

"scott your a bully, and that is gross and so wrong and blah blah blah..........." If this is honestly what your thinking, then don't read my blog. simple. BYE BYE 

-scotty

wet weather driving solutions

Still have not found out the average weight of an eye-ball......

Did you know: Scientists from the University of Washington recently did a study to find out the worst type of driver in the world. The results are as follows. An old asian lady (50 years +) wearing a hat and gloves, driving a mercedes benz on her way to the shops to buy groceries...... SHOCKING FIND!

WHAT YOU DONT SEE IN THIS PICTURE IS THE 20 SCHOOL KIDS WAITING FOR THEIR BUS, WHICH SHE PLOWED IN TO.

If you know me, which some of you may not. Then you should know that when it comes to driving; I LOVE IT. I have this irrational dislike of being driven by other people and I tend to find myself being one of those fucking annoying back seat drivers. Yes I am sorry for this.

But since I have been in a neck brace I am unable to drive, which is killing me slowly. Which means I am as good as luggage. I need to be picked up and driven around like I am that annoying friend we ALL have who doesn't have their license for no other reason than the fact they are fucking lazy.

So for 6 weeks or so, I have been 'that guy', luckily I have some very tolerant friends who have been kind enough to pick me up and drop me off on many occasions.....I OWE YOU ALL.... But since I am now passenger-scott I actually have time to observe other peoples driving instead of just speeding past everyone because I want to get there first.

And one thing I have noticed is; Sydney drivers, when it begins to rain (even in the slightest) it is like all common motoring skills go out the window. YOU BECOME TERRIBLE! Are Sydney drivers under the impression that because there are a few drops of water on the windscreen they have free rein to start driving like there is a god damn snow storm.

OK, yes we have all learned that breaking distances and handling on cars is affected by water on the road, but does this mean common courtesy and ability to communicate your intended driving actions is also affected??? Explain to me this. Today as we were driving through Willoughby some woman in a BMW decided that due to the wet roads, the suggested speed limit of 60km's per hour was much too fast. No no no no NO! This woman, who by the way was driving an X5, a very big and safe car, though it best to slow down to about 34kmph..... Now we are talking about damp road. This road was not underwater, nor was it even close to being underwater. There was hardly any rain falling from the sky. I mean a kid on their bicycle wouldn't even be fazed by this amount of wetness...

The best part was yet to come, as we over took this woman (which was not hard at all), she appeared to be locked in some straight arm race-car style driving position, as though she were in the middle of an F1 grand prix.... To give you an idea of how slow she was going, I had time to turn my entire crippled self in my seat so I could physically see her. And that takes a while.

The next incident was almost only 5 minutes later when we were driving behind an asian man (yeah we have all been here before) who though that the wetness of the roads meant that turning corners should now be done at such a slow speed, you practically hit 0kmph in the middle of the turn. This man was driving a lexus by the way, we're not talking about fred flinstones car here, we are talking about a modern car with modern safety features..

Finally, one of my most HATED things that people can do on the road is to not be courteous. If I let you into a gap or give way to you, mother fucker you best flash your lights or give me a wave of thanks.... So as we approached a single lane speed-hump, we pulled over and gave this woman plenty of time to make her way through. She comes sailing past, both hands on the wheel and does't even acknowledge us. Look lady, taking your hand off the steering wheel to wave when your traveling at 20kmph will not cause you to go skidding off into someone's front yard in a flaming wreckage.

I do not know how we will fix this 'when-it's-wet-people-become-even-worse-drivers' dilemma, but I can give you all some tips...

• USE YOUR HORN LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER, THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SEE YOU, BUT THEY SURE AS HELL CAN HEAR YOU...

• USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER. NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING, LETS OTHER DRIVERS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING MORE THAN FLIPPING THEM OFF

• ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND YELL AS LOUD AS YOU CAN. USE OF WORDS SUCH AS: FUCKWIT, DICKHEAD, ASSHOLE, STUPID CUNT, WANKER AND TOSSER, ARE ALL ACCEPTABLE. TRY STRINGING MULTIPLE WORDS TOGETHER FOR A CLEARER MESSAGE

• USE YOUR CAR AS A BETTERING RAM. THIS LAST RESORT ISN'T THE SMARTEST, BUT DAMN ITS EFFECTIVE. JUST AIM YOUR VEHICLE AT THE OFFENDERS AND ACCELERATE

Take it into your own hands to educate the wet weather offenders of Sydney. And probably most other parts of the world. Rain does not mean that every single road is now covered in ice and olive oil. You will not die if you go the speed limit people.

                                                             REALITY

                                               THE WAY SYDNEY DRIVERS SEE IT

Yeah so moral of the story. Stop sucking at wet weather driving.

PS. OFF TO SEE DEREK TOMORROW!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY DEREK.

laters homie's

-scotty

the phone argument

What is the average weight of a human eye ball? No, seriously......??

Back on the topic of eyes, is there and food that promotes eye growth? I want to  grow my eyes a bit bigger.

So I have now had my neck brace on for 5 weeks or maybe it has been 32, who knows. "5 weeks has flown past!!" I hear you say? Well it hasn't for me pal, slowest 5 weeks of my life. But I am really pleased to hear you had a quick 5 weeks, congrats.

I was told that I should go back to hospital on the 25th of June, which would have been tomorrow (Monday). So I figured I would call up and check in for the appointment. Keep in mind there was a slight chance I could have maybe possibly gotten out of this brace!

So I dialed the number i had been supplied with and as to be expected, I was placed on hold. I would just like to point out something real quick. I have been placed on hold many times in my life, but i think that royal north shore hospital has possibly THE WORST 'on-hold' music I have ever heard......

WHEN YELLING ON THE PHONE, IT IS IMPORTANT YOU ARE CLEAR AND CONCISE. AND DONT FORGET TO LET THE KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FEEL....

I have no idea what song it was, but it sounded as though they had recruited a bunch of tone-deaf toddlers to experiment with instruments. And to add insult to injury, it was poor quality of course. It was so bad I tried to shazam it so I could show you all. Of course it wasn't recognised. Naturally I put the phone on loud speaker and I began to dance. I thought the idea of being put on hold was so you would stay on the phone. And after a record breaking 2 minutes, I decided nothing was worth waiting for while this music is playing, so i hung up.

I then realised I did need need to make a booking so I re-dialed the number and immersed myself in a hideous rendition of 'green-sleeves'.  Companies, here is a word of advice: We know that at some stage you will have to place our calls on hold, we accept this. But maybe the reason some of your phone operators get abused is because the caller has just come off the back of listening to mind numbing shit music for 15 minutes? Simple fix: take out the CD titled "absolutely terrible music" and throw on the "normal person mix tape" I would find being put on hold an absolute pleasure if i could rock out to some high quality Nirvana.

Ok anyways, i finally got onto the phone to a woman with a heavy Indian accent. For some reason she didn't laugh at my joke about how shit the music was. Ok so here is the rough transcript of my call, keep in mind this lady was VERY hard to understand:

INDIAN LADY: Yes sir, so what is your patient number so I can find out who you are?

SCOTT: Yeah it is _ _ _ _ _ _  my doctor is Vasili I believe....

INDIAN LADY: OK sir so at the moment the doctor is fully booked, and because he only comes fortnightly, the next appointment I can get you is the 29th of July...

SCOTT: HAHA what did you say? Sorry but I thought i heard you say the 29th of July....

INDIAN LADY: Yes sir this is correct, the 29th of July. At 2:30pm.

SCOTT: Yeah nah, this is not going to work for me. Look lady I am wearing a neck brace at the moment. I don't know if you have ever broken your neck before and had to wear one of these, but it's not fun. So what I need you to do, is slot me in for Monday and we will be fine.....

INDIAN LADY: No he is fully booked, I can put you down for the 29th of July......at 2:30pm

SCOTT: Yeah well when I came in last the receptionist dude put my name down for this day, so what the fuck would you like me to do then? Just keep wearing my neck brace longer than I need to? Look, I will just come in and go last, it seriously will take 5 minutes! Will that work?

INDIAN LADY: No this will not work. The doctor is fully booked. He only comes once every 2 weeks. I can get you on the 29th of July at 2:30pm?

SCOTT: Well I didn't know this did I? Not once was I told the doctor only comes once every 2 weeks. You don't understand. If you are telling me that I have to wait until the 29th to see the doctor again, I am going to hang up this phone and rip this god damn neck brace off........

INDIAN LADY: I can book you in for the 29th of July now. Shall I do this now?

SCOTT: NO lady, you shall not. What you shall do is patch me through to another department where the phone operator has a better grasp of the English language and might be able to understand where the fuck I am coming from right now. Are you able to do that much at least?? Can you put me through to somebody helpful? I feel like we are on different pages here....

*SILENCE* 

ALL OF A SUDDEN I AM PUT THROUGH TO ANOTHER DESK AND A MAN ANSWERS. I EXPLAIN MY SITUATION:

MAN: Ah yeah mate, we can slot you in on the 9th of July, sorry we couldn't do anything sooner......

SCOTT: Ok, yeah throw me in there. Thanks for your help. BYEEEEEEEEEEE

Isn't it amazing how all of a sudden they could wipe off 20 days from my waiting time. So I don't think I made friends with my Indian lady, no offense here, but if your going to have somebody answering your phones RNSH, you might want to give them a few language courses first. I shouldn't have to need a translator to make a booking. And maybe a few crash courses in how not the be fucking useless and show some compassion when dealing with patients also, I don't know, just a thought.

THIS MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE WOMAN I WAS TALKING TOO. I DON'T THINK SHE SOUNDED THIS OLD THOUGH.

So 9th of July it is. I am really contemplating just going to a physio and asking them what they think. I haven't got to the point yet where I will just rip it off, but I have a feeling that is not too far away.

I am well aware this is a terrible blog, but I drank alot of vodka last night and it has ruined my creativity today. I am sorry.  If you have any idea about what the hell i should keep blogging about, please let m know. I am digging it that people are reading them.

thats all folks...

-scotty

 

why i don't care about your trip

Facebook: Social network site? Or tool of jealousy?

I care because i don't care

OK, I know that facebook is a great way to keep in touch with friends and family and all. It is also a great tool to organise events and so on. But there is one thing that I am starting to really despise on facebook: The token holiday activity.

Let me first start by saying; if I am guilty of any of the stuff I rant about, then that is completely acceptable for me to do so.

It all starts with the token '(insert name here) checked in at (insert city here) international/domestic airport' Of course followed by a completely terrible comment like "oh, hahaha bye Sydney, see you in 3 months" or something. Firstly, keep your damn facebook check-in to yourself. We get it, you're going to Europe for 3 months with your two friends. 

It is even more annoying when each one of them checks in each other so you have the exact same check in three times over, each one probably with it's own terrible farewell message at the end. If i had a dollar for every time I saw an airport check-in with a smart-ass departure message, i could probably afford my own airport by now.

Now after your fantastic facebook friends have checked in their bags and cleared immigration, it's time to head to the gate. And if you're really lucky they may even upload a photo of the plane they are about to board.....Why is this? I have no idea. Just incase we didn't actually believe that they were at the airport from the initial check in, we now get some visual aids to dispel any doubts we may have had. And guess what, we literally could not give a fuck what your plane looks like. We have all seen one before, and we may have even been on one. I have never once seen an upload of a plane and then kept a look out for the next hour to see if you flew over my house. A QANTAS 747!! Oh shit I had better get my binoculars out and keep my eyes peeled!

LUCKILY ELLIE AND SOPHIE UPLOADED A PHOTO OF THEIR PLANE BEFORE THEY TOOK OFF. THAT WAS AS USEFUL AS ME WAVING TO THEM FLY OVER.....

If you are reading this and thinking "wow, scotty is a real dick" then that is because you have done one of these already. And yes, i probably am a dick.

So once you have arrived at your final destination, you want to explore and have a look around, right? Wrong, you wanna get on facebook and let all those peasant mother fuckers back home that you have arrived in Paris. "Just having a latte at Charles de Gaulle with Jessica after a 23 hour flight. lol" Only a coffee?? But you must be the first person ever to go on a plane!? Somebody get that girl a medal. I will go back to enjoying my instant coffee in the real world, minus the blatant smugness that has poisoned yours. 

By the way, no matter where on this planet you go for your holidays, you are not the first person to ever go there. Aa a matter of a fact your probably somewhere in the millions. So do not talk up a place like the rest of us are uneducated retards. "Oh whats this? Bangkok is the CAPITAL of Thailand? Wow, Emma and James are just a wealth of knowledge"

There are so many other things that annoy me about seeing '............ trip 2012' on my newsfeed, but by far. The single most annoying thing you can do on your trip is upload an instagramed photo of....anything at all. If a photo needs to be instagramed in the first place then it was not a photo worth taking. If your looking at one of the seven wonders of the world, you upload that shit the way you see it. I don't want to look at it through some brown filter lens. Instagram is the devil.

                   SUMMER 2012 TRIP TO BALI. MATT AND I RELAXING ON THE BEACH

I think the world travel organisation (there is no such thing) should make it a mission to go to every single travel destination in the world and put up a big sign at photo hot spots which reads :

"THIS SITE IS LIKE THIS FOR A REASON, IT IS HOW IT IS. IF YOU DECIDE TO INSTAGRAM IT IN ANY WAY, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO PHOTOGRAPH IT"

Thats my opinion and it is right. Upload pictures of your tropical fruit salad or nachos with instagram, i don't care. Do the self-shots instagram style so that everybody thinks your 20 shades browner and somehow your eyes and hair glow. But leave the grand canyon and Vegas lights photo the way they are. 

Please note: I do have mates overseas at the moment and this was in NO WAY inspired by any of you. This is directed at those "facebook friends" who you have no idea why you even have them on there!

Go on a trip for a new experience, learn, live eat and party. Its about the experience. Not how many fucking 'LIKES'  that photo of you on a Greek island got on facebook.

I am aware that I am probably guilty of a few of those things I have ranted about. But thats totally ok cause I  allowed to.

random blog I know.

-scotty

the new tattoo

Did you know that it's a scientific fact. that every single person in the world will have a tattoo at some point in their life? True thing.

What are the two coolest things a person can do in their life? If you said become a dolphin trainer and get a tattoo, then your correct.

When making a big decision in life such as what tattoo to get, it is very important that you give it lots of thought. You must remember that this ink cannot be rubbed off. It is there to stay.....

My first tattoo ever was done spare of the moment by my mate, in his house. A sun and a moon on my arse cheeks. And then the words "someones name" written above it. Yes, not a very smart tattoo. But hey, at least I can tell people the sun shines out of my ass, or I will moon and sun you at the same time.  So maybe 10 minutes to decide on what ass-tat to get was not such a good idea after all.

All good, my next tattoo will have some depth and meaning to it. Most importantly it will be planned. And naturally that moment finally came, when Andy said at the pub "hahaha let's get 'Jet Life' tattooed on us tomorrow" And of course I gave the most mature, responsible reply of "fuck yes".

WHEN SELECTING TATTOO'S IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO NOT GO TOO OVERBOARD FOR YOUR FIRST ONE.

But I am short of money at the moment and unable to work, what a stupid idea.. NO, not a problem, a short 'feature' later on the pokies and i had my tattoo money in hand. I honestly did not think the whole plan was going to go ahead, it was my believe that Andy wanted to get a sleeve done, but i received the call in the morning that it was indeed going ahead as planned. (not really planned, more just said)

You know a tattoo is going to be good when you wake up on the morning, and you have literally no idea as to how the tattoo is even going to look/where your going to place it.  So I was collected by Sam, Andy, Damo and Will this morning and off to Manly Tattoo we went.

The plan (not really a plan) was for all of us to get the tattoo on the same part of our body. Just below our pelvis seemed fair. By the time we got to Manly Ink, I still had no idea what my soon-to-be-tattoo even looked like. But who cares, its just a tattoo right?

So after Damo and Sam decided against their better judgement to not go ahead with the tattoo, it seemed that myself, Andy and Will were the three to join the 'Jet-Life crew'. Andy has one small tattoo already and this was Will's first. No better way to start the habit with a tattoo that has not been planned and absolutely no meaning at all.....Come to think of it, maybe Will didn't even want this tattoo? Too bad bro.

So I finally saw the design on an iphone screen about 10 minutes before they started, and gave it the once over."yeah sweet as, lets do it" Will went up first, myself second and Andy went last.

Two things about this tattoo: Firstly it was a bit bigger than i had pictured in my mind, and secondly, I cannot physically even look down to see it. My neck brace really limits my neck movement for some reason. So the only way for me to actually see my tattoo is by standing in front of a mirror and gazing down.

The tattoo itself was rather painful when it was being done, sensitive area and all that, but it's a good kind of pain. When the artist was doing it, she asked me "So what does it mean?" HAHAHAHA ummmmm I played it cool and just said "Oh yeah its just like cause we're all friends and wanted to get the same thing" So in her mind she heard "this tattoo means fuck-all"

But for those of you who know anything about tattoo after care, one of the most important things you should avoid? Yup, of course it had to be taking baths. So now, not only do i have to bath with my awkward neck brace on but i now also have to avoid getting my pelvis wet. This is going to be interesting and difficult. Draw me a diagram of how I am supposed to do this?

                              YEAH, THATS IT!! PRETTY COOL HUH?

So yeah, now i have the words 'jet-life' tattoo'd on my skin forever.But at least I know two of my mates have the exact same thing. We're in this together. All I have to do now is think up a cool meaning I can tell people. Let me know if you have any good ones.

*for the record, i regret NOTHING. And if you want to get the same tattoo, then you too can join the jet-life crew. Respect to Will and Andy for going through with it. Damo........you're next.

JET LIFE!!

-scotty

bath incident (kind of awkward for me, not for you though)

Unless both cars were traveling at 0km's per hour when they crashed, then yes. Speed was a factor in the accident you idiot Police......

The following blog discusses me being hurt. I give you 100% permission to laugh in my face. It would be awkward for some, but where is the fun in holding back from a story?

I may have said something before about 'hot baths' and how they are no good cold. And of course a bath needs to be hot. That kind of came back to bite me in the arse....literally.

Before i start i would like to float my own boat for a minute.  Since injuring my neck i have been unable to do many things. One of my most missed activities is definitely showering. So instead of having showers, I have been sitting in my bath, below waist depth, and washing myself with a little cloth. It sucks. I believe this at least puts me in the rank of 'professional bath-takers'. I haven't looked into it to see if there is a competition, but over the last 5 weeks I have probably had more baths that all of you combined. So i have declared myself a pro.

Trust me, baths may seem awsome, but they actually get shitty after about the ten minute mark, when the water is cold and the bubbles are gone! (yeah thats right i have bubbles in my bath)

So let me paint you a picture of what I wished to accomplish last night. After a long day of doing not much, I really wanted to have a good soak in a nice bath. I cannot have long showers, but i also cant fill my bath up too much and get my neck brace wet. So my theory was that i would just make the bath a lot hotter instead so it would not go cold so quickly, simple!

I went into the bathroom and turned on the taps, i felt the temp and had it pumping out  just a little hotter than i could bear. My bath is not big by any standards and it's pretty low to the ground, so it doesn't take long to fill. I then went and got a large plastic cup of cold water (never use glass in a bathroom people) and got undressed ready for my delicious bath time. I even selected my finest little cloth that i would use to wash myself with.

I forgot to mention I use shower body wash to make some bubbles, that way i feel like I am also getting clean from the suds. I don't think this is actually effective in baths to be honest. I turned off the taps and chucked on some tunes on my laptop.

Now I know that i call myself a bath pro, I know this is a big call. But i made two very rookie errors on this particular bath.

BATH TAKING RULES (A PROFESSIONAL GUIDE) :

RULE 1: ALWAYS CHECK THE TEMPERATURE OF BATH BEFORE ENTERING!

RULE 2: NEVER RUSH INTO A BATH!

So you might be able to tell by now that I broke both of these rules, almost at the same time. Let me describe to you the events that followed.

I have this little ritual type thing, that when hopping into the bath, I will have a hand on each side and then just drop myself in with my legs out in front of me not unlike that of an Olympic diver If i may say so myself. On seconds thoughts this is a terrible way to hop into a bath if you have broken rules one or two.

As i hovered about the bubbles about to drop myself in a gave a quick thought to the temperature.. "it'll be right"

What happened next is what I can only describe as being probably more painful than breaking my neck. As i fell through the soft layer of bubbles, my bare arse, balls and legs were  then met by the hottest fucking water I have ever experienced. We're talking cup of Tea straight from the kettle HOT.

"OOH MY F-FUCK.....!!" Was all that i managed to get out of my mouth as i felt my manhood and rear end begin to simmer. It felt as though my lower half was being, well, cooked alive. For a moment i thought i could smell boiling flesh.....juuust kidding, but yeah you get the idea as to the heat of this water.

                             THIS IS AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF MY BACK SIDE.

Now I am not the most mobile person on with this neck brace, but you should have seen me move. Like a dolphin that had become a paraplegic in a horse racing accident.... I manage to flop myself over the side of the bath, smack my head on the toilet seat and knock over my cup of water all within the space of 4 seconds after submerging myself in the fire bath.

I don't know how many of you have burned your arse or balls before, but believe it or not, but its actually not that pleasant. As i lay on the bathroom floor with my legs still hanging up on the edge of the bath, i bravely looked down to check that I was still intact. I was.

After catching my breath i gingerly headed for the sink where i ran the cold water all over my behind and under carriage. Had someone walked in at that particular time it would have looked quite strange. Naked boy rinsing his behind in a sink, on second thoughts it might not be so strange in some houses. I went back to the bath and had a proper feel. (something i should have done in the first place) Yeah it was fucking hot. I proceeded to check if any damage was done that would prevent me from having children or sitting on chairs in future. Thankfully all good.

I  sat down on the toilet seat and just pondered how close I was to certain death!! I shot the bath a filthy look and waited 15 MINUTES before it was a comfortable temperature to get it. 15 minute..... so if my maths is correct then the water must have been at least 375 degrees celsius. Don't check me on that one, I know i'm correct.

PRETTY MUCH THE EXACT SAME SCENE FROM LAST NIGHT. EXACTLY . EXCEPT I AM NOT AN OLD MAN, AND I WAS INDOORS, AND I DIDNT HAVE TWO STRANGERS WATCHING ME......AND I AM NOT A PEASANT FROM RUSSIA. 

MORAL OF THE STORY: FUCK BATHS

Baths are no longer my friend, I hate them. That sure did teach me, even professionals such as myself make the simplest mistakes. I am not sure what kind of pain this would have caused a female. So if your a girl and your reading this, you probably can't comprehend the physical pain that I experienced, so next time your with a guy, throw a cup of near-boiling water on his penis and watch his reaction. Make sure you film it though. *do not actually do this. ever. seriously.

So I will be running 'Bath safety courses level 1' every Wednesday night at my place. Please call for bookings and its $25 for the hour. Places are filling quick.

B-B-B-BYE BYE

-scotty